September 10, 2008
Previously: Blair made a friend in Europe – a dude who turned out to be a British Lord named Marcus Beaton. Serena stooped to getting back together with Dan. Nate started a sordid affair with a married older woman. Cool.
Serena and Dan obviously fucked on the beach. We know this because it’s morning and Serena is doing that thing where she sits up, holding a blanket to her bare chest meaning sex has occurred. Oh, why don’t you just fucking rain down on me, guys. I know this is only the beginning of vomit-worthy nuzzleiness between D & S. Serena panics and is like, “Er.. we should think about this before getting back together!” After she gets her rocks off! Whatta jerk. Dan’s like, “Noes! I want to be together forreals!” and Serena’s like, “We’ll see. Peace.”
September 2, 2008
The new season opens up in The Hamptons: beaches, mansions, tennis courts, and Nate Archibald feverishly making out with some girl in the front seat of a car. Say it ain’t so! Nate’s doing something exciting? There are many hot close-ups of Nate biting this woman’s bare shoulder and hands everywhere yet we don’t quite know who she is. Is it Serena? Well, if you followed GG gossip over the summer, you probably read the scoop about Nate hooking up with an older, married woman this season. So there ya go.
August 20, 2008
Last season: Whitney and Lauren left Teen Vogue to go work in styling at People’s Revolution. Spencer wrecked Heidi’s “career” opportunities in Vegas so that they could get back together. Lauren, Audrina and Lo (LAL) bought a house but Lo and Audrina aren’t getting along.
People’s Revolution. Whitney and Lauren are sorting jeans and making chit chat, just like they used to do at Teen Vogue. Lauren tells her that she and Lo are throwing Audrina a birthday pool party. Then she announces that she has a date with a boy named Doug from her hometown whose prom she went to. Lauren doesn’t do shit, man. She just stands around talking about herself. The jeans are waiting, girls! Hop to it.
July 30, 2008
Previously. Serena’s tape. Chuck and Blair are over. Rufus and Lily kissed and so did Dan and Georgina.
Serena is frantically calling Dan, apologizing, still in that ugly gold jacket from last week.
May 19, 2008
Previously. Heidi and Spencer split and she booked it to Vegas. Lauren felt Audrina slipping away.
Somewhere in Hollywood. Audrina and JustinBobby are looking at lofts. How does she afford this shit with her Epic Records receptionist salary? I mean, did she make any cash off those nudie pics? JB is wearing his glasses hanging off his ears and totally talking her into living alone by saying, “It’s a beautiful thing, living on your own ’cause you’ll always know where you’re at” – no seriously, that’s a quote. Audrina says it’d be fun to decorate. She’s staring at the blank page before her just like Natasha B.
May 13, 2008
Previously. Lily’s marrying Chuck’s dad, Bart, and Rufus is all bent out of shape about it. Vanessa and Nate smooched. Georgina is still here. Oh, and Serena killed someone. Let’s light this candle.
May 9, 2008
Previously: Lauren, Audrina, and Lo got a house. Heidi wanted her space.
Bolthouse. Heidi enters Brent’s office to chat wearing a scarf plus tank top. You can totally see her black bra under her racer-back tank top but hey, cool. Yeah fucking right. Are we supposed to believe she still “works”? She announces that she wants to be a bigger part of the company especially if that means relocating! Brent’s got just the opportunity – a new club location and/or a casino in Vegas. Heidi says “sounds brilliant” – what is she, British? You know who is British? Natasha Bedingfield…release your inhibitions and lead us into another episode, lassie!!
May 6, 2008
Previously: Jenny met Asher, the rich dog owner. Eric van der Woodsen tried to kill himself a million years ago. Serena’s ex-BFF, Georgina, came to town and fucked everything up. Then she introduced herself to Dan as “Sarah” – freak.
April 29, 2008
Previously: Justin Bobby is back on the scene and Audrina’s been seen doing her own thing. Lauren and Lo decided to get a house and they guess they’ll let Audrina in on it.
Lauren, Audrina, and Lo are checking out a “real house” that they’ve apparently already purchased. They wander around cooing and saying “soooo pretty”. This place even has a guest house for Audrina to bring her stinky men so that Lauren doesn’t have to look at them and be jealous of their love. They instantly declare it an “amazing party house!” Oh, and Audrina looks like a weirdo in a turtleneck and black suit while the other chicks are in tank tops. Cool.
Previously: Serena was getting a bunch of nonsense sent to her like porno, champagne, and drugs. A forever-ago scene of Blair and Nate calling it quits. And Blair vows to ruin Jenny’s rep 4eva.