Thank God for the back-to-back Hills, you guys, because just one episode leaves me feeling so empty.

FIDM. Lauren and Stephanie Pratt are at school and Stephanie is seriously wearing like a halter/vest that a dude would wear under a tuxedo jacket with nothing underneath and her bangs are huge.  It’s straight Jersey and I don’t know how I feel about it.  Lauren and her short hair invite Stephanie to her birthday party at Les Deux (Les Douche) or some shit – I didn’t catch which conveniently-owned-by-Bolthouse club Lauren is celebrating her b-day at. Whatevs – today is where your book begins; the rest is still unwritten, you guys.

Heidi’s Apartment. Remember when this was Spencer’s apartment? Hold the phone. Last season, Spencer “bought” (or whatever) this apartment and surprised Heidi with it and she agreed to move in, told Lauren she was movin’ out (Anthony’s Song), packed and hit the U-Haul all in the same day.  So now that she and Spencer For Hire have broken up, how is this her place?  Anyway, Spencer is there to get his shit like his godawful aquarium and his 2Pac t-shirts and he’s all, “So what are we?” He tries to threaten Heidi with all the girls who are calling him left and right, asking him out and he doesn’t know what to say to them.  Heidi’s like, “Do you want to date other girls?” and tells him she’ll punch him in his shiny ass face. They make these creepy, smug faces at each other like as soon as the cameras are off, they’re gonna go do it among all his fake boxes of stuff because their fake-fighting is some bizarre-o seduction game they play with each other. I mean, it’s just all so fake, right?  Because I saw those paparazzi pics of them holding each other candidly wearing bunny ears to express their love so how am I supposed to believe that they’re separated? Oh, kill me.

Stephanie’s Apartment.  Spencer is couching at his sister’s unecessarily large two bedroom apartment — what “college student” has some 2br/2ba condo in West Hollywood at age 21by herself? — telling Stephanie that he’s prepared to initiate “Operation: Win Heidi Back” and then he complains some more about Lauren and his sister’s blossoming friendship. Oh, and he calls Lauren “LC” which is so random and so three years ago, dude.

At Da Club. Everyone is partying for Lauren’s birthday. Whitney’s there! And Lo! How did Whitney get time off from Kelly Cutrone to have a social life? Party hats and cocktails are involved and everyone’s all WTF about Stephanie Pratt being there.  MTV wants us to note that the door chick outside the club, making sure people were on the list is the same chick who works with Heidi at Bolthouse. Good thing! Or else the narrative would have been all screwed up.

Bolthouse. Apparently, the door chick’s name is Kimberly and the next day at work, she tells Heidi about Lauren’s birthday events. Stephanie was there with all of Heidi’s old friends and Heidi’s confused. LOL. I love how MTV still tries to maintain that Heidi works there. She mumbles some, “I’ll schedule it in..” work jargon as Kimberly leaves which isn’t as convincing as last week’s, “Here are those files..” line she pulled to convince the audience that she gets things done there and it isn’t some soundstage. Next week, I’m pulling for a shot of her on the phone saying, “Have it on my desk by five!” before slamming the phone down and initiating a chit-chat with Kimberly about how much Lauren sucks. Anyway, today Heidi’s jacket, hair, and face are all the same color gold.

Lunch. Brody is valet-ing his car to meet Lauren for lunch. Lauren tells him he looks very blue in his t-shirt. They chat about everyone else, of course, because they’re so uninteresting and lame. Brodes warns Lauren about hanging out with Spencer’s sister, implying that she’s a user and a two-time loser (and just wants to be on TV – but he can’t say that outright because this is *real* y’all).

Stephanie’s Apartment. Spencer For Hire is chillin’ once again, not doing anything and making himself at home. Steph is bitching and tells him to “get a job” which makes me laugh. He’s the son of a dentist, okay? Spencer For Hire works for on one! He questions Stephanie about what she was doing at da club with Lauren & the gang because so-and-so told Heidi who texted Spencer who told two friends and only seven people live in Hollywood so apparently, everyone knows everyone’s bidness. Stephanie gets upset and says she can hang out with whomever she chooses and tells Spence that he needs to “stop making enemies” and Spencer gives her a thumbs up (?) and assures his sister that he’s awesome. Steph starts crying and Spencer says, “You’re making yourself cry!” LOL I don’t know what’s going on but within a three-minute conversation, Spencer gives his sister three thumbs-up just in case you forgot what a douche he was.

FIDM.  Lauren and Stephanie are always effing late for class. They sneak in with their damn bangle bracelets jingle-jangling as if they’re trying to keep a low profile but… there’s CAMERAS IN THE ROOM so wouldn’t everyone be looking at you and paying attention to what you’re doing, rather than the teacher? Whatever. They sit there and whisper back and forth about how Stephanie’s bangs are atrocious and how Lauren just wants to be friends and she doesn’t care that she’s Spencer’s sister and who cares?

Heidi’s Apartment. The wires are really poking out of Heidi’s face today and she’s looking all scary. Stephanie comes over to talk and wants to mediate between Heidi and Lauren and make peace. She questions what Heidi ever did in the first place to make Lauren hate her. Steph, don’t you watch The Hills? Catch up. Heidi averts her eyes and gets all offended that Steph would assume that Heidi did anything. Steph insists that she will remain friends with Lauren because they “have fashion in common” so suck on that, Heidi.