09.10.08
Gossip Girl: Never Been Marcused
Previously: Blair made a friend in Europe – a dude who turned out to be a British Lord named Marcus Beaton. Serena stooped to getting back together with Dan. Nate started a sordid affair with a married older woman. Cool.
Serena and Dan obviously fucked on the beach. We know this because it’s morning and Serena is doing that thing where she sits up, holding a blanket to her bare chest meaning sex has occurred. Oh, why don’t you just fucking rain down on me, guys. I know this is only the beginning of vomit-worthy nuzzleiness between D & S. Serena panics and is like, “Er.. we should think about this before getting back together!” After she gets her rocks off! Whatta jerk. Dan’s like, “Noes! I want to be together forreals!” and Serena’s like, “We’ll see. Peace.”
09.02.08
Gossip Girl: Summer, Kind of Wonderful
The new season opens up in The Hamptons: beaches, mansions, tennis courts, and Nate Archibald feverishly making out with some girl in the front seat of a car. Say it ain’t so! Nate’s doing something exciting? There are many hot close-ups of Nate biting this woman’s bare shoulder and hands everywhere yet we don’t quite know who she is. Is it Serena? Well, if you followed GG gossip over the summer, you probably read the scoop about Nate hooking up with an older, married woman this season. So there ya go.
07.30.08
Gossip Girl: Much ‘I Do’ About Nothing (the finale)
Previously. Serena’s tape. Chuck and Blair are over. Rufus and Lily kissed and so did Dan and Georgina.
Serena is frantically calling Dan, apologizing, still in that ugly gold jacket from last week.
05.13.08
Gossip Girl: A Woman on the Verge
Previously. Lily’s marrying Chuck’s dad, Bart, and Rufus is all bent out of shape about it. Vanessa and Nate smooched. Georgina is still here. Oh, and Serena killed someone. Let’s light this candle.
05.06.08
Gossip Girl: All About My Brother
Previously: Jenny met Asher, the rich dog owner. Eric van der Woodsen tried to kill himself a million years ago. Serena’s ex-BFF, Georgina, came to town and fucked everything up. Then she introduced herself to Dan as “Sarah” – freak.
04.29.08
Gossip Girl: Desperately Seeking Serena
Previously: Serena was getting a bunch of nonsense sent to her like porno, champagne, and drugs. A forever-ago scene of Blair and Nate calling it quits. And Blair vows to ruin Jenny’s rep 4eva.
04.22.08
Gossip Girl: The Blair Bitch Project
This shit is BACK, y’all! I could hardly contain my excitement all day. Since this is the first time I’m recapping Gossip Girl here, I’ll fill you in on my pre-existing feelings. All you need to know is that nine times out of ten, I hate Dan and Serena because Dan is the poor man’s Seth Cohen, who I kind of hated too, in that the writers are giving him too many Brooklyn/quasi-Jewish/neurotic qualities that are only endearing for a few episodes. They need to reel him back in. Plus, he’s boring and so is Serena when she’s with him.
Also, I was just discussing with my friend yesterday how I hope the writers don’t soften Chuck’s character. Sure, he attempted to rape two girls in the pilot episode but now he’s hot and everyone is rooting for him and Blair to be together. Hey, I’m rooting for it too but I don’t want it to be easy. Keep Chuck the asshole that he is!
Previously – months ago on the last new episode of Gossip Girl –
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Blair was positively ruined when Chuck let the whole school know they had been doin’ it.
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Poor Jenny Humphrey became the new Queen B
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Chuck’s dad, Bart Bass, proposed to Serena’s mom, Lily van der Woodsen, much to Dan’s dad’s disappointment.
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Chuck can’t wait to let the incest begin!
