Serena and Dan obviously fucked on the beach. We know this because it’s morning and Serena is doing that thing where she sits up, holding a blanket to her bare chest meaning sex has occurred. Oh, why don’t you just fucking rain down on me, guys. I know this is only the beginning of vomit-worthy nuzzleiness between D & S. Serena panics and is like, “Er.. we should think about this before getting back together!” After she gets her rocks off! Whatta jerk. Dan’s like, “Noes! I want to be together forreals!” and Serena’s like, “We’ll see. Peace.”

Summer has drawn to a close and Lord Marcus and Blair are bicycling down the road. Blair wonders what he’s doing now that we know he’s not really in college. Marcus asks if he can come kick it with her in Manhattan and Blair’s psyched to meet the fam – the Duke and Dutchess. Marcus says “We’ll see” and then they head to brunch.

Blair steps outside at brunch to call Serena, panicking that she thinks she’s in love with Lord Marcus and NOT because she’s trying to get revenge on Chuck. She says Marcus is the “perfect Chuck Bass palette cleanser” when mister CB himself comes strolling up the walk in shorts and loafers. Yes and yes.  Chuck spies Marcus at the brunch table and fakes that he wants to be friends and even offers a handshake. He joins him and then they make a squash date! Blair comes back to the table and hates this scenario.

Oh, sick. Serena sees Dan slumming it at the bus stop, waiting for the Jitney to take him back to the city. They stammer and act awkward in front of each other since they’ve made that agreement that they won’t fuck anymore and will take it slow and see what’s best as if this is going to make me more invested. No, thank you.

Nate is ready to hit the road and get back to the city too. Before he leaves the Hamptons, his mom tells him that his dad is in some deep shit and all other kinds of white people problems and in conclusion, they have no money. Nate’s like, “er.. I gotta go” when he gets a call from Catherine the Cougar. She leaves him a message saying that she can’t wait to fondle him in the city. Me neither, lady!

On the Jitney bus, Dan and Serena are about to come in their pants from all the forced, not at all believable sexual tension. Serena even eats a fucking chocolate covered strawberry in slow motion just to make him squirm. You know, typical travel snack. Then she gets up and drags Dan to the bathroom and then the Jitney drives off a cliff. Oh, how I wish!!

In the limo back to the city, Blair and Lord Marcus are having champagne and talking about all the Manhattan fun they’ll have. It’s clear that Blair really just wants in with his royal family since status is the highest of her priorities. She invents a “Welcome Back to the City” party to invite him to and quickly texts her family’s maid that they need to set it up ASAP. Dorota the party planner!

In a different limo, Nate and Chuck are brushing each others hair and chatting about how Chuck can one-up this Marcus character. He gets a mysterious call on his cell phone which he doesn’t want to take with Nate around. Hm..  Nate gets home to find a bunch of cops or Feds or whoever, going through all his family’s shit since his father’s company is selling all his assets. Nate tries to put his foot down but they don’t give a shit. Worried, he calls Catherine.

STOP. RIGHT. THERE. Guys in short sleeved sweaters and goggles playing squash just became my new bedtime fantasy. I didn’t even know what squash was. Apparently, it’s like racquetball but inside. Chuck and Lord Marcus just finished an intense game. Oh, God! I love how this is the Upper East Side version of the guys-at-the-batting-cage movie device where they engage in dialog about girls but play a manly sport in order to maintain guy-rapport.  Lord Marcus tells Chuck that he’s not sure if his mom, the Dutchess, will be cool with Blair since she’s so common and all.

Later on, Nate arrives at Chuck‘s place to talk and finds out he’s sitting there with his accountant, working on selling his shares of Vitrola, the club his father bought for him. When Nate leaves, Chuck reveals he told “Mrs. Archibald we’d get this done tonight” so apparently, the money he gets from selling the club might be going to his BFF in his time of need. Aw. And if Nate threw a party, and invited everyone he knew, he would see the biggest gift from be from Chuck and the card attached would say: THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND.

Why is Nate such a loser that he would go down to Vanessa‘s new gallery coffee shop (BTW: She constructed a coffeeshop next to Rufus’ art gallery while he was away on tour and now works there. I thought this plot point was stupid so I’m summarizing it here and that will be all I really say about it)? Has poverty made him fall this far already? They exchange stupid chit-chat about how Vanessa knows all the cool, poor places in town like this place in the Village where they have two-for-one taco night (and it’s owned by “lesbian mexicans” she adds – insert your own taco joke here). Nate’s mom calls and lets him know that someone outside of her “regular circle” loaned them the money to keep their home and Nate figures out that it’s Chuck.

Chuck and Catherine the Cougar are meeting up because – wait for it – she’s Lord Marcus’ (step) mom, the Dutchess!  Blair’s party at the Hudson Hotel is in full swing. She’s even got a harp and a flute player. Dan and Serena find each other there and basically just suck for a while. Chuck puts his plan in action by bringing Dutchess Catherine over to Blair to introduce them. Blair wonders why Chuck would want her to meet this lady, perhaps assuming she’s his date, snapping, “What, so she can warn me about the effects of too much botox?”. Ha. Catherine informs her that she is Dutchess Beaton and Blair almost pisses herself in horror. Chuck is oh-so amused by Blair’s faltering. Surely, Marcus and his family will never accept Blair now.

Later at the party, Blair finds Dutchess Cougar and falls over herself apologizing. Catherine stops her from even trying and says Marcus will never date a “lowly Waldorf”. In private with Serena, Blair complains that the party is a bust and wonders what she can do to get in with the royal family. Blair Waldorf is not lowly! She is determined to get what’s hers.

More nastiness: Serena corners Dan by the elevators and awkwardly makes out with him and ruins my whole life. They get in the elevator and continue to grope each other like this is some sort of off-limits big deal. Hey guys, when there’s no actual reason for things to be off-limits, it’s not lurid and exciting so… stop trying.

Nate gets a text at the party to meet Cougar Catherine in the hotel’s library. She can’t deal with Nate’s poverty either so she, too, offers him some cash. He asks, “Well, what would I have to do for you?” He’s just like Julia Roberts! I hope this leads into a montage of Nate shopping on Rodeo Drive for a brown and white polka dot dress to wear to a polo match. Catherine shows him exactly what he can do for her and essentially has her way with him right there on the floor. Too bad for her that Blair is still trying to make amends and looking everywhere for her so they get totally busted when Blair walks in on them (and yells out “Oh my effing God!” Awesome). Now the Dutchess might owe her one!

Later, Blair finds Chuck to gloat about winning over the Dutchess, meaning his plan backfired. Chuck is shocked but sort of proud (and aroused) that Blair was able to charm (or con) the royal family. And surely he’s a bit sad too, murmuring “Night Blair” as she bids him farewell. Sigh.Sigh.Sigh.

On his way home, Nate calls Vanessa in order to further their pointless plotline. They had plans to hang out that night but he has to cancel since he’s now at the mercy of Dutchess Cougar who wants to take him home for the night. Duty calls!

Next week: Chuck makes me cream my own pants with only his words. See ya then!

The new season opens up in The Hamptons: beaches, mansions, tennis courts, and Nate Archibald feverishly making out with some girl in the front seat of a car. Say it ain’t so! Nate’s doing something exciting? There are many hot close-ups of Nate biting this woman’s bare shoulder and hands everywhere yet we don’t quite know who she is. Is it Serena? Well, if you followed GG gossip over the summer, you probably read the scoop about Nate hooking up with an older, married woman this season. So there ya go.

Chuck is on the beach drinking white wine and surrounded by three topless girls. He gets a buzz on his phone from Gossip Girl, informing the masses that Blair Waldorf was spotted at the airport in Paris, heading back to the Hamptons after a brief stay with her father. Remember how she and Chuck were supposed to go to Tuscany together? I’m guessing that never happened since Chuck ditched her at the airport and all.

The hate arrives when we see fucking Dan making out with a new chick among the stacks at a bookstore. WTF, Dan? You would know how to be a Debby Downer on summer by hanging out at a bookstore. He’s interning for some author (whatever that entails) and hitting on girls who aren’t Serena. Yes, girlS – PLURAL! Gossip Girl changes his nickname from Lonelyboy to Playboy.

Little Jenny is spending her summer interning with Blair’s mom – Eleanor Waldorf – at her design studio. She’s just created some dress and wants her snippy boss, Laurel, to take a look at it and consider wearing it to the upcoming Vitamin Water (?) White Party. Her boss snaps “That’s not white; it’s bone!” and refuses to wear that piece of shit out in public. Jenny needs to sit the hell down, as usual.

Back in the Hamptons, Chuck and Serena are sharing a house and Serena spies her new step-bro checking himself out in the mirror. A bouquet of roses is resting on the bed and Serena asks if those are for a certain best friend of hers who is expected to arrive any minute now on the Jitney. Chuck replies, “What’s a Jitney?” Ee! I love it. It’s a bus, btw.

Chuck’s waiting at the Hamptons Jitney busstop, looking positively gay and creepy in a plaid shirt and orange – nay – salmon colored blazer. He spots Blair stepping off the bus and perks up until an unnamed gentleman steps off behind her, obviously Blair’s new souvenir. This guy and Blair hug and make a scene on the sidewalk while Chuck’s face falls. Ohnoes! “Ain’t karma a bitch?” Gossip Girl asks. “We know Blair Waldorf is.” Ha!

Blair and Serena are sitting poolside and Blair can’t believe that Serena hasn’t hooked up with any boys this summer. Blair suggests she should set herself up with a hot lifeguard but Serena is still mourning her break-up with Dan. The mere idea grosses Blair (and me) out. Before Blair can get too cocky, out steps Chuck wearing a shirt with sailboats on it. He picks up a cherry from their table and eats it. Oh, how I love this show. Blair quickly launches into a new story about how awesome and classy this guy James is. He drinks gin martinis! Chuck just stands there and broods and smarms before telling Blair that she’s probably lying about this new boyfriend. She makes a promise to bring James to dinner just to prove him wrong.

Back in the city, Dan is meeting up with his author boss. He’s supposed to turn in a short story which he’s had no luck finishing – or even beginning. He must be so heartbroken over how lame he is. His boss fires him and tells him to hit the pavement.

At the Chuck estate, everyone is having dinner by the pool and Chuck is wearing a mint green jacket and bowtie like an insane person and it’s amazing. Blair’s new boyfriend, James, is being grilled about how well he knows Blair by Chuck who is just being a general asshole. When James reaches over the table, Chuck notices the tiny heart pendant pinned to James’ sweater sleeve – a pendant Blair once gave Nate when she told him she loved him. Chuck excuses himself, fearing Blair actually loves this guy, and Blair follows to the side of the house. He asks her if she really feels about this new guy the way she felt about Nate and she lies that she does. Chuck gets all sad-looking and just says he’ll see her at school.

Serena agrees to go out with this hot lifeguard who – GASP – drives a Camero. Meanwhile, Nate and his MILF are getting it on in her guesthouse. After their rendezvous, the MILF’s husband pulls up and she instructs Nate to jump out the window and run away. So he does! In his boxers and all. While he’s running through the neighborhood half-naked, he almost collides with Serena’s date’s Camero. Nate and Serena exchange this totally hilarious look where she figures out what just happened and he just stares back all wide-eyed (maybe because he can’t believe Serena is in a Camero).

The next day, Blair and Serena are shopping and Blair reveals that she never liked James in the first place. She refers to Chuck as “Chuck Bass-tard”. Tee! On the same side of town, Chuck and Nate are strolling around, wearing shorts, sipping iced coffees and looking… well, you know. All four of them run into each other on the sidewalk. Blair and Chuck argue about what college James goes to – Blair knows it’s Georgetown while Chuck swears he heard him say he went to Princeton at dinner. Is James pulling some sort of scam? Serena takes the time to yell at Nate for sleeping around with a married woman and then everyone parts ways. Serena agrees, however, to accompany Nate to the White Party so he can spy on his married woman with her husband.

In the city, Dan has realized he can’t write his story because he feels he left things unresolved with Serena and he may have made a mistake by breaking up with her. We see him getting into a towncar, directing the driver to Sag Harbor in the Hamptons.

Nate and Serena show up to the party and Nate’s wearing this totally gay ivory wool cardigan. His MILF, Kathryn, spots him and sneers, asking if he’s trying to ruin her marriage. Nate politely begs Serena to get him drunk. Hooray! Meanwhile, Dan shows up to Serena’s house in the Hamptons only to be greeted by her grandmother who once snubbed him for being poor and lied about having cancer. Grandma tells him that she’s realized Dan is still in Serena’s heart and they jet off to the party together.

At the party, James is catching onto Blair’s plan – that she’s trying to make Chuck jealous. He peaces out on her and Chuck approaches Blair with “told you so” intentions only to have Blair storm off on him. Nate is wandering around with Serena, pining for Kathryn and Serena helps make her jealous by making out with Nate right in front of her. Too bad Dan was walking up to her at that exact moment. He mumbles “Of course” and rolls his eyes when he sees this. Fucking Dan! He spent all summer making out with random city girls yet he’s allowed to judge Serena? Loser.

Dan stomps away all pissed off while Serena follows him apologizing. Why does she have to apologize? Oh snap! Two of the skanks Dan made out with at the bookstore show up, pissed that he played them and then dump their unnaturally colored drinks on him. Ha!

In a dark hallway, Kathryn tackles Nate into an abandoned bedroom – his jealousy scheme working perfectly.

While Serena cleans Dan’s jacket, Dan tells her he hasn’t been able to get her out of his head all summer. Blegh. Even though Serena surely must want to barf, he kisses her anyway and they agree to escape and go talk.

Blair finds James and he reveals he hasn’t exactly been honest with her either. He busts out a British accent and says his name is Marcus and he’s actually a Lord. He covered it up because he didn’t want a girl using him for his title. That kinda shit is always happening to me. Blair perks up at this new information and is suddenly re-intrigued. Later, when she’s finally alone, Chuck finds her and apologizes for abandoning her at the airport. He says he was scared of his potential feelings should he spend an extended amount of time with her so he just bailed. But he hopes she can understand. Blair gets a hopeful glint in her eye and tells Chuck that he can have her if he tells her exactly what she wants to hear: three words, eight letters. Chuck just stammers and looks unsure and winds up saying nothing and Blair says that’s everything she needed before heading off in the opposite direction to join Lord Marcus. Don’t be a pussy, Chuck! I enjoyed you more when you told Blair she was like the Arabian horses your dad used to train: “rode hard and put away wet” which is still the best line to ever fall out of anyone’s mouth on this show.

Next week: Nate continues to get himself into trouble. Dan and Serena make me uncomfortable. And this show continues to be the best show on television. You know you love it.

Last season: Whitney and Lauren left Teen Vogue to go work in styling at People’s Revolution. Spencer wrecked Heidi’s “career” opportunities in Vegas so that they could get back together. Lauren, Audrina and Lo (LAL) bought a house but Lo and Audrina aren’t getting along.

People’s Revolution. Whitney and Lauren are sorting jeans and making chit chat, just like they used to do at Teen Vogue. Lauren tells her that she and Lo are throwing Audrina a birthday pool party. Then she announces that she has a date with a boy named Doug from her hometown whose prom she went to. Lauren doesn’t do shit, man. She just stands around talking about herself. The jeans are waiting, girls! Hop to it.

Bolthouse. Heidi and Kimberly are coming back to the office with lunch and Heidi announces that her sister Holly is coming out to LA to visit. Spencer has moved back into the apartment but Heidi has neglected to tell him that company is on the way, nor did she tell Holly to expect Spencer to be there when she arrives. Oops. Her plan is just to get home from work early to avoid any awkward run-ins. I bet that won’t work!

Epic Records. WTF @ everybody working? I mean really. We all know Lauren gets paid something like, $2 million just for doing The Hills, plus she has all her shit like her make-up endorsements and shit. Audrina made money off those nudie pix and Heidi is a robot and doesn’t need to work anyway. Why try to fool us with these fake jobs? I guess just to give us another venue for gossip to take place. So Audrina is talking to Chiara about her upcoming birthday pool party. Audrina’s not too jazzed about partying with Lo and refers to her as “super bitchy”!

Heidi & Spencer’s Apartment. Heidi’s sister Holly is sitting awkwardly on the couch – looks like she arrived to LA before Heidi could get home from “work”. Spencer is quite the gentlemanly host, lounging on the couch, not speaking and playing video games. Heidi arrives wearing this stupid ass billowy scarf over some satin camisole and that combo makes no sense at all. Oh, LA! But seriously, what’s with Spencer? He’s ALWAYS home fucking lounging. Doesn’t he have paparazzi to call? Music videos to make? I thought he was a mover and a shaker. Anyway, Heidi wants to greet her sister properly but Spencer is being too much of a douche so she has to drag him away in awkward privacy and give him the old “be nice!” lecture. Heidi’s sister looks just like Heidi before she fucked up her face! Ah, memories.

LAL House. Lauren is getting ready for her date with Doug and Lo suggests she invite him to Audrina’s birthday. Lauren encourages Lo to hang out with Audrina while she’s gone and Lo totally rolls her eyes. Doug arrives and he and Lauren hit the town. Doug is, of course, such a fucking tool and totally boring. Lauren’s trying to initiate conversation, asking him “Are you adjusting well to LA?” to which he replies “Yeah.” …Silence. Cool story, Doug. Lauren has to resort to “remember that time when…” stories from their high school days just to fill time.

At the restaurant, Lauren orders some specialty cocktail while Doug orders a Stella Artois and just says “Stella” which is what people say when they can’t pronounce the second word of that brand. It’s cool, man. Lauren tries to disect his drink choice and observes that a “drink says a lot about a person” and Doug’s mouth just catches flies as the time ticks by oh-so-slowly. Before their drinks even arrive, Doug asks if they can “do this again some time” so Lauren hooks him up with an invite to Audrina’s pool party.

Heidi & Spencer’s Apartment. Heidi and Holly are up early making some breakfast and Heidi complains that it’s too early. Holly offers Spencer some breakfast and he’s a complete dick and says “That’ll be a pass for me.” He and Heidi bicker right in front of Holly with Heidi telling him not to be so rude to her sister and Spencer doesn’t give a fuck and goes back to bed.

LAL House. It’s pool party time! The drinks are flowing and Audrina’s friends show up and you can tell they are totally punk rock and hard core with mohawks and all that stuff that makes Lauren uncomfortable. It makes me think of Girls Just Want to Have Fun” when those punks crash Natalie’s coming out party and break the ice sculptures. Lo is uncomfortable around all these ne’er-do-wells who Audrina says she hangs out with when she’s not hanging out with Lauren and Lo. Lo’s is “super bitchy” and responds, “Well… we’ll just have to enjoy the company that comes.”

More punk rock partying. Justin Bobby shows up wearing a leather jacket to a pool party, of course. Lauren and Lo are in the kitchen preparing the cake and Lauren is bitching that Lo isn’t being social enough. They complain that they don’t know any of Audrina’s friends and that Audrina doesn’t make an effort to be their friend. Lo throws up her deuces and wants no further role in trying to befriend Audrina. Back at the pool, Lauren declares the party a “disaster” even though it seems fun to me.

Heidi & Spencer’s Apartment. Heidi is showing her sister to a cab since it’s time for her to go home to Colorado. Holly hints before she goes that she’d be interested in moving to LA and maybe she could stay with Heidi for a bit. Spencer gets his period over it and is all pissed off that Heidi would even offer to let her FAMILY stay at her place. THE NERVE!

People’s Revolution. Lauren and Whitney are at work gossiping about the party and not working. Even though Lo fucked up the party, Lauren was really into Doug and how cool he was. She can’t, on the other hand, handle the stress of maintaining the peace between Audrina and Lo and something needs to be done.

LAL House. Lo makes her way to the guesthouse to visit Audrina. At first she apologizes for being absent from Audrina’s birthday but then keeps it real and says they continue trying to be her friend but Audrina makes no effort. Audrina admits she just doesn’t click with Lo and Lauren and to get over it. They basically go back and forth arguing about whose fault it is but Audrina’s point is that she doesn’t care. Audrina points out that she has friends who treat her well and include her and Lo and Lauren aren’t like that and Lo keeps interjecting with “We do make an effort!” and then Audrina flat out says, “I just don’t care. We’ll never be friends.” The second sentence sounds a bit dubbed over but whatever. Lo is taken aback and is like, “ooo-kay” and that’s that. Who cares, man? Why does Lo even care if Audrina makes an effort to be her friend when they don’t like each other? Oh, you guys.

This season: A bunch of dumb shit happens like more Stephanie Pratt ruining everyone’s lives with her Mystic Tan and everybody being “super bitchy” I hope!

Serena is frantically calling Dan, apologizing, still in that ugly gold jacket from last week.

Rufus and Lily are in bed together!!! He gets a phone call asking Lincoln Hawk to open for The Breeders (LOL). Lily remembers that it’s her wedding day when Bart calls, wondering where she is.

Blair and Chuck are in bed together too! Fully clothed, unfortch. She smacks him and freaks out and Chuck says they must have dozed off while writing wedding toasts and plotting to destroy Georgina. They banter about Chuck never doing any physical activity that requires him to take off his scarf. She slams the door in his face with Chuck murmuring “i love it when you talk dirty.”

Nate and Dad Archibald are jogging and Nate wants to intro his dad to Vanessa. Dad gets a call and claims it’s his sponsor and basically, he doesn’t give a fuck. Then he has some shady phone call and says, “I’ll slip out after the ceremony..just be there waiting.”

At Dan‘s, Serena busts in jabbering about how she’s happy to find him when Georgina strolls into the kitchen. Dan says nothing while Georgina apologizes that she thought they [D & S] were over. Serena freaks on her and calls her a manipulative psycho bitch. YES!YES! G leaves and Serena spills the entire Georgina story. Dan understands and Serena baby talks that they can fix this and it’s all over. Dan looks like he wants to tell her that he boned Georgina but Serena won’t let him go there and assumes they fell asleep talking and then she heads out.

Lily arrives at some building where Bart is staring out the window. He tells her it’s the first building he ever bought. He asks Lily what she thinks he should do with it and Lily says “I think you should let it go” all symbolic of Rufus and Bart asks “can you do the same for me?” He must know!

Dan and Blair are together at Blair’s and they’re calling Georgina so that they can fuck her up. Blair schemes with him and gets him to leave her a message. Dan’s uncomfortable while Blair listens in. He lies that he wants to end things with Serena and wants to meet up. G agrees to meet him at the park where Dan confesses that Serena told him everything but Georgina swears they have something special since they slept together last night (Say whaaa? Did they or didn’t they?). Blair rolls up out of nowhere and presents Georgina’s parents. Busted! Turns out, Georgina is on the run from rehab so her parents are here to send Georgina to boot camp. Blair reminds her that she‘s the crazy bitch around here and tells her to get to steppin’. Go ‘head, Blair.

In Brooklyn, Rufus is all jazzed about his Breeders tour. Dan figured out that he stayed at Lily’s and tells him that Lily stayed away before because Serena asked her to but Lily loves Rufus on the real. Rufus gets all wistful and leaves. Jenny has stitched together some heinous orange dress for Vanessa to wear to the wedding. Cool stuff.

At the church before the wedding, Chuck calls Georgina “Whorgina” (har har) and stares at Blair in her fun pink dress. Blair declares that now that they’re done with Georgina, she and Chuck have nothing more in common.

Nate shows up with his dad and is randomly all bitter still about Chuck boning Blair months ago. Chuck sees Nate’s dad across the street being shady with some guy with gross hair. He slips the dude some cash and the guy gives him an envelope. Chuck has security keep an eye on Mr. Archibald.

In Lily’s bedroom, Rufus shows up (but not for that, y’all!) and asks Lily if she’d like help clasping her bracelet. He also offers to stop the wedding and Lily scoffs. She’s ready to marry Bart and says there are too many questions and Rufus is like “come on, please!” LOL. Oh, Rufus. The Breeders are waiting!

Dan and Vanessa show up to the wedding and he’s all nervous and freaky about whatever he did with Georgina. He says he didn’t sleep with her but he “may as well have” – ew.

Rufus says “I love you, Lily” and she says she loves him too but it’s time to get married. She comes walking down the aisle and Chuck gives his dad a cute squeeze on the arm. Gossip Girl narrates that we’re witnessing Dan and Serena “totally eff things up” and Serena is up at the alter, crying. Who cares? Maybe if we were fans of Dan and Serena, this would be making me sad.

Security tells Chuck something and he goes over to Nate to say that his dad was doing shady business before the wedding and now he’s calling his car to leave. Nate’s like, “no way” and Chuck apologizes for sleeping with Blair (apropos of nothing), claiming he was in love with her. Nate heads out and stops the car that his dad has scurried into before it can pull away. He asks what’s up with his dad and Dad tells him he was actually getting his hands on a passport and he’s peacing out before he has to go to jail. He’s facing 25 years for his white people problems – embezzling or whatevs. He tells Nate to be the man of the family for his mother and Nate hauls a punch into his dad’s face. Everyone was watching and Nate’s dad slinks back into his towncar like a little punk.

At the dinner table, Blair approaches Vanessa and tells her that it’s a dramatic affair dating Nate and tells her that he’s not over Serena. Nate and Chuck are outside, shaking hands and cool with it all. Nate reminds him that Chuck confessed his love for Blair and Chuck gets this cute little smirk. Chuck and Nate air kiss and Chuck heads back inside when Vanessa comes out to snag Nate.

Dan wanders around until he finds Serena. Serena might be willing to let the hook-up go but Dan says he can’t get over the lies Serena pulled. He brags about being the most understanding person in the world but this just won’t do. Serena’s like, “so… this is it?” and Dan’s like, “er.. yeah.” BOGUS! I hate you, Dan.

Chuck is making his best man toast. After his intro, he puts his index cards down and rattles off the cuff and totally stares at Blair the entire time while he gets romantic for a sec. Afterwards, he and Blair share a dance while he basically apologizes. He gets all close and tells her that she doesn’t belong with Nate and she replies he doesn’t belong with anyone.. then they kiss! YAY! He requests to take it slow this time and do this right. Blair doesn’t know what to do with herself.

Serena and Dan get stuck taking awkward photos and having to dance together. They wind up being the last two on the dance floor.

We flash forward to one week later and Rufus is on his tour bus. He gets a call from Jenny who is peeing her pants over an internship she got at Parsons. Yeah right – isn’t she 15? Turns out, the internship is with Eleanor Waldorf designs. What a set-up for season two!

Chuck has invited Blair to Tuscany and Serena is pretty much grossed out by this endeavor. Serena is looking forward to a drama-free summer without Dan. Elsewhere, Chuck is wearing a yellow dress shirt and a plaid sweater vest. He’s talking to Nate who reveals things with Vanessa are over. He calls her “Punky Brewster” meaning she’s poor. Nate runs into Serena on the street and they chuckle about Chuck and Blair’s couplehood. She tells him she’s chilling at the Hamptons this summer and Nate’s like, “word” and then they part ways. But not before Serena extends an invite to hang out.

Before Chuck leaves to go meet Blair at the airport, Bart praises him for being so grown up. He reminds Chuck of the responsibility of having a real girlfriend and Chuck looks like he wants to vomit at the very notion. Lily comes home with some blonde ho named Amelia who’s going to be doing some interior decorating and Chuck looks like he wants to cry that he can’t nail her. He snags one of the red roses he was going to give to Blair and gives it to her.

She’s so NOT as fine as Blair who looks amazing in this navy suit/Hamptons get up. Since Chuck has abandoned her at the airport – where she runs into Carter (right?) or some hot guy who’s probably better for her – Blair winds up on the flight without Chuck, who promises he’ll meet her there.

We end on good times: Dan and Vanessa reading The New York Post because they are so poor and reading the newspaper is summer fun for poor kids, Serena and Nate drinking iced coffee, and Blair’s private helicopter flying high in the sky. Season two brings us to the Hamptons, September 1st! Be there, bitches!

Previously. Heidi and Spencer split and she booked it to Vegas. Lauren felt Audrina slipping away. 

Somewhere in Hollywood. Audrina and JustinBobby are looking at lofts. How does she afford this shit with her Epic Records receptionist salary? I mean, did she make any cash off those nudie pics? JB is wearing his glasses hanging off his ears and totally talking her into living alone by saying, “It’s a beautiful thing, living on your own ’cause you’ll always know where you’re at” – no seriously, that’s a quote.  Audrina says it’d be fun to decorate. She’s staring at the blank page before her just like Natasha B.

Heidi’s Apartment. Spencer is still over there and has summoned Stephanie.  He’s all psycho and like, “Heidi didn’t come home last night!” and Steph is grossed out that he slept there. She spills that Heidi is in Vegas and Spencer’s ready to get on a plane. Or drive, or whatever, and he gets Steph to accompany him.

Las Vegas, NV. Heidi is trotting around with Brent and the CEO of Bolthouse or whatever and pretending she’s in on all the business dealings. She’s carrying a notebook which I’m sure contains nothing but doodlings of her own name in various handwriting styles. Brent tells her to “do some research” so this is really serious. Heidi declares she’s ready to take on all this work. 

People’s Revolution. OMG!Whitney is fussing with clothes on a clothes rack and chatting with Lauren Hey, remember them??. Just like Teen Vogue! Lauren complains that she never sees Audrina. Whitney spouts wisdom that Lauren and Lo are like sisters and Audrina might not want to impose. She suggests Lauren ask Audrina what’s up. Lauren foreshadows that if Audrina didn’t live with them, they probably wouldn’t even be friends.

Las Vegas, NV. Spencer and Stephanie are driving through Vegas on a mission to find Heidi. Spencer convinces his sister to call her and find out where she is. Conveniently, Heidi answers and tells Stephanie that she’s at the Palazzo Hotel, working! Spencer sees the casino and totally just drops his car at the curb and runs inside. What a freaking drama queen psycho!   Heidi is inside with her “colleagues” discussing “business matters” when Spencer creeps up on her out of nowhere and requests to speak with her.  Heidi puts on her act all, “what are you doing?! I’m working!!” I highly doubt Heidi would have answered her cell phone when Steph called. Spencer’s like, “We need to be together!” and begs her to come back to LA with him. Fucking Christ. Heidi tells him to get lost and goes back to Brent who tells her that she needs to get her boyfriend under control. 

LAL house. Lauren and Lo are cooking in ugly dresses. They’re waiting on Audrina who obviusly will not be joining them. Lo doesn’t feel like she’s gotten to know Audrina. Audrina exits her guesthouse and cruises around the main house to go on her way, leaving L&L to have dinner on their own. They consider this a total burn.

Las Vegas, NV. Brent and the gang are checking out of the hotel, waiting on the valet rides. They’re all “where’s Heidi?” and are about to leave without her. After futile attempts at finding her or getting in touch with her (she’ll answer her cell phone for Stephanie Pratt but not for her own boss), they head to the airport with no Heidi. Turns out, she bagged her co-workers to spend the night with Spencer and we see them separately with their dumb luggage, exiting the casino.

LAL House. Lauren enters Lo’s room and is all upset because she’s uncomfy around Audrina. Lo insists that there will be future problems if there are already problems. It’s obvs she doesn’t want Audrina around, making her life awkward and all. Lauren knocks on Audrina’s guesthouse door and Audrina is reading! HA! Audrina tells her she doesn’t feel like the house is hers and basically, everyone feels weird. Audrina wants to do her own thing. Lauren is scared they’re growing apart.  Audrina finally mentions that since Lo is in the picture, things have gotten weird. Lauren’s chin quivers and she starts crying because she’s stuck in the middle. Audrina’s so over it and Lauren has a ring with her own name on it and it seems impractical because it takes up two fingers. Lauren leaves Audrina’s guest house with a weepy little face.

Heidi comes back home with Spencer who is wearing the GAYEST SHIRT EVER! OMG it’s like turquoise and pink. Are we supposed to like, rejoice for their togetherness? Are we supposed to celebrate the fact that NONE of these girls can maintain a relationship AND a job? First Lauren ditches the Teen Vogue Paris internship to spend the summer with her boyfriend, and now Heidi bags work opportunities for Spencer. What’s wrong with them? Oh, why even start?

See you douchebags in season four!

Previously. Lily’s marrying Chuck’s dad, Bart, and Rufus is all bent out of shape about it. Vanessa and Nate smooched. Georgina is still here. Oh, and Serena killed someone. Let’s light this candle.

It’s the episode before the season finale, y’all, so this better be good. The episode opens with Georgina traipsing down the street, leaving a million phone messages for Serena on her voicemail.

Down in Brooklyn, Rufus is practicing his guitar in the loft because he’s appearing in some “Forgotten Bands of the 90′s” special on VH1 Classics (no, really).  Dan reminds him that he’s old and then laments his recent fights with Serena, your typical father-teenage son talks!

Nate pops up at Vanessa’s coffee shop and he’s standing awful close to her! Vanessa is wearing this junky garbage gold jewelry and way too much of it. Nate gets a phone call and looks distressed but before he bolts, he asks Vanessa to do something that night – meet up for a rendezvous at Rufus’s 90′s show.

At The Palace, Dan shows up looking for Serena while Lily and Bart are into some heavy wedding planning and futzing with caterers, planners, and the like. Chuck is around (!) wearing this total Mr. Rogers beige cardigan and plaid pants. Swoon.. how I missed him. He gets a phone call and acts all shady in front of Dan who is begging anyone and everyone to tell him where Serena is. Whoever Chuck is talking to, he informs Serena didn’t come home the previous night. Dan’s nostrils flair.

Chuck gets up outta there and we find him in an elevator with Nate – they’ve both been summoned to Blair’s penthouse. They’ve hardly been in any scenes together since the big confrontation pre-writers-strike, so this is interesting. They act all awkward because they’ve both fucked Blair and they secretly want to feel each other’s butts. In my mind, they do.

Back at The Palace, Georgina shows up, still trying to call Serena but runs into Dan in the courtyard. He’s all, “SARAH!” – still buying this charade, I see.  Georgina isn’t pleased about this run-in but puts on the Sarah act tout suite. Dan gets a call on his cell phone and it shows that it’s from Serena but when he answers it, it’s a bartender calling from her phone which was left at his bar the previous night. He describes the girl who left it and mentions to Dan that she “left with two or three guys” and Dan nearly busts out of his plaid shirt.

Meanwhile, Blair arrives home where Chuck and Nate are waiting in the living room. She calls for their help and we see Serena still in the elevator, all slouched down and disheveled, looking like a junkie. Blair must’ve rescued her from wherever and Chuck and Nate help get her to the bedroom. This must be like, a dream come true for Chuck. Serena’s acting all fucked up like she took Quaaludes or something, all moaning and disoriented and can’t stand up on her own.  Chuck brings in some bagels to help cure her hangover while Blair strips off Serena’s clothes to throw her in the shower. Chuck gazes on, totally horny at this scenario while Nate wants to look but is too into boys gentlemanly to do so.

Dan finds Lily, who is being interviewed for Rolling Stone magazine for taking some famous picture of Rufus back in his 90′s heyday, and tells her he can’t find Serena. Lily suggests finding her at Blair’s. No shit, Dan.  He arrives at the Waldorf estate and is shocked to see everyone together, noting that Nate, Blair, and Chuckare all supposed to hate each other. They all tell Dan that Serena isn’t there but Dan ain’t buying it. Dan whines, “Are you really gonna stop me from seeing my girlfriend?!” when Serena comes down the stairs, looking normal in some robe business and her hair pulled back. Wasn’t she like, half-dead five minutes ago?

Anyway, Dan knows Serena is keeping something from him and questions her about the info he got from the bartender – that Serena stayed out with some dudes. He starts losin’ it and asks if she cheated on him to which Serena nods and replies “Yes”. Everyone looks away uncomfortably while Dan peaces out on these clowns. Remember that plaid from the 90′s that was like, red, yellow and black? That’s what Dan’s shirt looks like and it’s completely gross.  Don’t worry, Dan. That plaid shirt will look FIERCE at the VH1 Classics show.  Conveniently, Sarah/Georgina calls Dan’s cell phone as he’s leaving Blair’s and they agree to meet up in the park. Bogus.

Dorota, Blair’s family’s maid, calls Lily van der Woodsen and tells her “Serena is like, the old days” insinuating that Serena is acting like a ho all over again. Lily knows what that means and decides to come right over. But first, she rifles through Serena’s things – I don’t know why.. maybe looking for drugs? – and comes across that portable flash drive thing that contained the mysterious video. If my mom found one of those things, she’d have no idea what to do with it but Lily is hip and happenin’.

Back at the Waldorfs, Serena tells them she never really cheated, she just told Dan that she did because it’s better than what she’s really been up to. Everyone’s like, “What is this horrible thing you did?” and they all start talking about the times they’ve slept with one another, proving no one in their circle is exactly a saint. Blair’s like, “I had sex with him [nods at Chuck] in the back of a limo,” while Chuck adds, “Several times.” Oh Chuck – do me next! Nate then reminds Serena that the two of them had sex on top of a bar at a wedding. I feel icky hearing these teenagers recount their sexcapades so casually. Then Blair begs Serena to spill what’s going on with her.

So here goes: This whole re-telling by Serena is a combo of narration over flashback, clips of the sex tape that Lily is watching on Serena’s laptop, and present tense storytelling by Serena to the group. We flashback to the night Nate and Serena got it on at a wedding (The Shephard wedding!! Now I get it) on top of the bar after everyone had cleared out. She felt awful afterwards because Nate was with Blair at the time and Serena was ruining everone’s life. Post-coitus, Serena got in a cab and called Georgina, upset about what she had done and Georgina invited her over to her place where we then learn G and some other guy have set up a hidden camera. Lily is watching the video and we finally see it – Georgina announcing that Serena will “go down for anything” once again before Serena enters, upset about sleeping with Nate. We see Georgina and this guy bust out some drugs and then Lily fast-forwards ’til we see the dude (I still don’t know who he is) groping Serena and trying to coax her into sex. She eventually starts making out with him and then, trying to get out of doing this guy, she suggests they stop and “do a couple lines”. She cuts some for him and after he snorts one, he immediately starts convulsing and seizuring and Serena panics. She yells for Georgina and Georgina freaks because they can’t call the cops, even though Serena is begging to call 911. G’s like, “we have to get out of here ASAP” and pulls her out of there, leaving the guy to die. Later, Serena is hanging out across the street, waiting and hoping for the paramedics to bring out a conscious victim but it turns out, the dude comes out in a body bag and yep, he’s dead.  Back in the present time, Nate still doesn’t get what Georgina wants with Serena and why she’s blackmailing. I don’t either, Nate. All Serena knows is that Dan can’t see that tape and if he keeps hanging out with Georgina, he might just get a glimpse.

The night of Lily and Bart’s rehearsal dinner at The Palace, everyone’s all dressed up and Serena has brought Blair with her to keep her company. Chuck is in a bowtie! Lily confronts Serena about the tape and tells her that she’s out of control! Lily threatens to send Serena to reform school and Serena maintains that her mom doesn’t know the full story. Plus, her hair is amazing. I’m so jealous of Blake Lively’s hair.. does she have extensions?  Anyway, Blair approaches Lily and begs her not to send Serena away and tells her that Serena is “in pain” and has a secret.

Nate calls Vanessa who is already at the VH1 Classics venue, helping Rufus set up, and he looks HOTTTTT in this light blue dress shirt and brown jacket. Vanessa informs him that Dan and “Sarah” are already there and Nate’s confused and hot at the same time. He’s like, “Sarah? You mean Georgina?” and tells Vanessa that Georgina is trouble and shouldn’t be trusted. Then he calls Blair to let her know about Dan and Georgina hanging out together.

After Blair gets the call, she appraoches Chuck, still at the rehearsal dinner, and he smarms at her, “What’s gotten into you?” I wish YOU would, Charles Bass! Blair tells him that she’s found out the whereabouts of Georgina and Chuck declares, “Let’s get the bitch” and they bolt.

In a town car outside some apartment, Lily has taken Serena to the house of the family of the dude who died from the cocaine on the videotape. How Lily got this info, I have no idea – I guess the guy who died was a family friend. She wants Serena to go in and talk to the family so she can get some sense of closure. This is… weird. This doesn’t seem like how rich people deal with their problems. After they talk to the family, which isn’t shown, LIly assures Serena that everything’s all good now and Serena did nothing wrong. You know, aside from the coke and the random fooling around on videotape at sixteen years old, she’s quite the saint. Serena’s all, “Take me to see Dan!” and they head to the VH1 Classics gig.

At the concert, Vanessa confronts Georgina when she arrives and asks what’s up with her shadiness. Georgina denies having a glitch and then later, Dan arrives and Vanessa tells him that something’s fishy with this Sarah character. Then Lisa Loeb is on stage playing “Stay” – no seriously! Dan sits down with Georgina and tells her to give him her full story and she lies again, explaining that she changed her name from Georgina to Sarah because of an abusive ex-boyfriend. Michelle Trachtenburg’s round ass face only makes Dan’s cheekbones look more severe. Georgina is sitting there crying and being gross and tells Dan that she’s fallen for him! Dan suggests they go some place quiet and talk. Because Rufus’s band is so ROCKIN’ that it’s hard to hear.

Rufus’s band is like, Train meets Gin Blossoms, so… that kinda sucks. Nate arrives and has brought along Chuck and Blair who are all looking for Georgina.  Serena also arrives, looking for Dan and is relieved because all her drama is over now!! Is it?

Lily creeps over to the side of the stage and watches Rufus play. EE! I got excited when they made eye contact from across the stage. It’s all very “California Dreams” plus thirty years with Lily swooning at Rufus’s musical skills. After the song, Rufus bolts off stage to find Lily and she warns him to stay out of her way. He refuses and then they smooch on the sidewalk!

Serena’s still in the venue looking for Dan and is wearing this heinous gold jacket. She gets a call from Dan’s cell but when she picks up, she discovers it’s Georgina (ugh.. she has no life!) calling from Dan’s phone and telling Serena she should be afraid. She threatens to get it on with Dan and then closes his phone. Dan strolls up with two cups of coffee and Georgina removes his battery before giving the phone back to him. Then she looks all psycho and leans in for a kiss. Dan’s like, “eh, why not?” and proceeds to make out with her. Gross-a-roo.

Next week. THE FINALE! At the Bass/van der Woodsen wedding, somebody gets punched! I think it’s Chuck – awesome.

This post celebrates the complete absensce of Jenny Humphrey from an episode. Relief!

Previously: Lauren, Audrina, and Lo got a house. Heidi wanted her space.

Bolthouse. Heidi enters Brent’s office to chat wearing a scarf plus tank top. You can totally see her black bra under her racer-back tank top but hey, cool. Yeah fucking right. Are we supposed to believe she still “works”? She announces that she wants to be a bigger part of the company especially if that means relocating! Brent’s got just the opportunity – a new club location and/or a casino in Vegas. Heidi says “sounds brilliant” – what is she, British? You know who is British? Natasha Bedingfield…release your inhibitions and lead us into another episode, lassie!!

LAL House. Lauren and Lo are lounging by their pool. Audrina comes out and tells them that at “work” today, she’s in the recording studio with Alkaline Trio for blah blah and invites L&L to come hang out. Lauren says they can grab dinner afterwards since they haven’t really celebrated their “roommate-ness”. So what was with that party last week?

Pulse Studios. MTV is plugging this band and Audrina is conveniently “working” at their recording session. It’s absurd because it sounds perfect like it’s already been mixed and shit. L&L show up and act retarded, threatening to flip switches on the soundboard. You can tell L&L are totally not into this rock and roll rubbish. After like two seconds, Lauren asks Lo if she wants to get something to eat. They’re kinda bitches about it while Audrina and her “co-worker” Chiara are trying to concentrate.. or whatever. L&L leave moping, “I wish she would come with us..” Audrina is fake working, you guys!

Heidi’s Apartment. Stephanie shows up and Heidi tells her about her job opp in Vegas. She throws out her “project manager” title like that means anything and totally acts like she’s only working elsewhere to get away from Spencer or make him jealous or whatevs. Stephanie is upset that Heidi is leaving town and she worries she’ll never get her own brother to move out. Heidi warns her not to tell Spencer that she’s leaving town. OH NO! Good thing she told Stephanie so that when worse comes to psycho and Spencer is looking for Heidi, Stephanie can tell him where she went so that he can go crash her gig in Vegas and rescue her back! But I’m only speculating, here.

LAL House. Lauren has gotten a puppy and surprises Audrina with the news. They all YAY! about it until Lo ruins it by saying that in puppy daycare, this dog will “have two mommies!” and Audrina gets all dead behind the eyes and leaves, totally feeling left out of the family. WEEP!

Stephanie’s Apartment. Steph is nagging Spencer about all the shit he’s leaving around her apartment. All he does is fucking sit on the couch and look at his iPhone. WHY can’t he move out? Doesn’t he have money? As Steph continues to nag, Spencer gives her the “LA LA LA LA I’m done listening to you!!” routine which is nice. He promises he’ll be out by the end of the day.

LOL. Every picture I post of Spencer, he’s giving this mug right here.

LAL House. Audrina and JustinBobby totally just fucked in the guest house and she’s leading him into the main house for breakfast or whatever. Lauren and Lo aren’t home and Audrina is trying to find her way around the kitchen. JB asks why she doesn’t hang out with L&L more often and Audrina tells him there’s weird vibes. JB can’t get down with weird vibes, man. She explains how they’re all so different and JB says “there shouldn’t be that heat, man..” He advises she check out some other living situations. You know, some place without the heat.

Airport. Heidi and her Bolthouse crew roll up in a Bentley and board a private jet, just for them. Oh please. She’s wearing this like, white sheath dress trying to look like Jackie O. or something. The owner of the company questions her about why she has all this work initiative and she spills about Spencer and they all ha-ha-ha about how Spencer doesn’t know that Heidi is moving on up the corporate ladder. WHY is she talking to the owner of the company about her boyfriend? This show is bullshit.

Heidi’s Apartment. HA! Spencer shows up at Heidi’s empty apartment and he can’t understand why she’s not there. Like this wasn’t planned. He mopes around the empty place and I guess figures that since she’s not home, she must have died or fled the country or something. He calls Stephanie and leaves her a message asking here Heidi is. CALL THE COPS! We end on Heidi gazing at what her life has become.

Next Week. Heidi joins the Vegas Bolthouse team. Audrina might find some new digs. Spencer stalks Heidi out to Vegas and embarrasses her in front of her co-workers.

Previously: Jenny met Asher, the rich dog owner. Eric van der Woodsen tried to kill himself a million years ago. Serena’s ex-BFF, Georgina, came to town and fucked everything up. Then she introduced herself to Dan as “Sarah” – freak.

Asher and Jenny are hosting a  party since Asher’s parents are out of town in Cannes.  Jenny is so pumped and up on her high horse about her new boyfriend since he is simply divine. Oh, and Blair’s not invited.  Rufus Humphrey calls little J because he’s stumbled across the eVite to the party. eVites?? POOR! Jenny lies that she has choir practice and the string of lies to Papa H continues.

Over at Vanessa’s coffee shop in Brooklyn where space and time mean nothing because ain’t it a school day? So why is Vanessa working? Georgina is sitting at the counter pretending to be new to the city and acting like a lost tourist. This is all part of her “Sarah” act, it seems. What a freaking waste of time. Oh, and P.S., this entire episode is essentially a waste of time. I’m just saying it now.  Dan waltzes in and is all, “Hi Sarah!” so apparently, they’ve bonded. “Sarah” really wants to meet Serena, Dan’s girlfriend. Riiight. So… what’s going on here?

We see Jenny and Asher canoodling in the courtyard and Eric is looking on, pining. But pining FOR WHOM?! Eric confronts Jenny and acts kinda crazy, saying she hasn’t returned his calls and Jenny blathers on about how much she’s in love with Asher. Eric looks all hurt and Jenny mistakenly assumes that Eric has a crush on HER. Oh, the impending pie-in-face is so obvious.

As everyone scatters to class, Dan rounds the corner and sees THE TRUTH! Asher and… somebody else in a tie. Two dudes are fondling each other’s ties up against a wall but Asher’s in the way of the other guy. Dan can’t see who it is but definitely sees that Asher is having his way with a fellow gentleman.

Over at The Palace, Lily is planning her wedding and Rufus shows up! He needs motherly advice re: Jenny and her new boyfriend. Lily’s got a serious itenerary of wedding errands so she invites Rufus to come along. Sure, he’s got nothing to do besides tag along with his ex-girlfriend while she plans her wedding to some other dude.

Dan confronts Asher and is all, “I saw you! I saw you kissing that guy!” And Asher is like, “Are you calling me queer?!” and it’s so dumb and like, out of a script from twenty years ago. Asher continues, “I’m so queer, I’m gonna pop your sister’s cherry tonight.” LOLEWW!! Sick, dude. Jenny comes to the rescue and insists that Dan is just jealous and she and Asher are happy as clams. Or rather, as happy as two dudes groping each other in their prep school uniforms. More of that, please!

Dan approaches Serena and Blair on the steps and he’s all pouty that Jenny won’t listen to him. Blair thinks Asher sucks too because now Jenny has a boyfriend and she doesn’t. She wants to team up with Dan to bring down this relationship and lets Dan know that Jenny only listens to the four G’s right now: guys, girlfriends, and Gossip Girl. Dan gets a glimmer in his eye.

Gossip Girl gets a buzz proclaiming that Asher kissed a boy! People are thinking it might just be a Blair-prank but Blair claims it wasn’t her who submitted the gossip. Blair confronts Dan and tells him that was a pretty bold move and he reveals that he saw the smooch with his own eyes! So Blair now sees that Asher is just using Jenny as a beard.

Serena gets a call from the Palace letting her know that something arrived for her. Oh, jeez. Not again.

WHERE IS CHUCK?? It’s been twenty minutes!

Lily opens up the curtain to her dressing room and she’s standing there in an amazing wedding gown. Rufus almost sheds a tear at how HOT TO TROT she looks. Lily is fab and Rufus is still in love. He makes it pretty obvious. Lily’s like, “er.. we’re just friends, right?” Heartbreak hotel!

Blair seems to have stolen Asher’s cell phone and has decided to forward all his incoming e-mails and texts to herself. Meanwhile, Jenny shows up at Asher’s and, pissed about all the rumors, decides to jump his bones to prove his straightness. Asher throws up a little and pushes her away and is all, “This isn’t what we do!” Then he gets real with her: “You’re Jenny Humphrey.. from BROOKLYN” and tells her how he’s doing her a favor and giving her status. I mean, it’s straight up Elton in Clueless when he scoffs at the notion of being set up with Ty crying, “Do you know who my father is?” Jenny realizes that he’s just helping her move up the social food chain. And then Asher convinces Jenny to tell all her friends that they had sex! You know, since he’s doing her a favor and all.

Serena arrives home and opens her package – it’s a flash drive from Georgina containing a video. And this is some weirdo stuff. Serena pops it into her laptop and we hear Georgina’s voice telling some guy to put the camera over there and then says, “It’s Serena. She’ll go down for anything.” And then there’s a man’s voice, and then someone says “Mr. and Mrs. Shephard” (??) and then you hear Serena’s voice whining and moaning that it’s “too hot”. All this time, we only see Serena’s face reacting to the video and she quickly closes her laptop. I even watched it twice and I still didn’t get it! Shady.

There’s another rumor on Gossip Girl that “Jenny swiped her V-card at Asher’s register” – har har. Dan confronts her all, “WTF?” and she admits that it’s not true but she wants everyone to believe it’s true. Dan fesses up that he saw Asher kissing a dude and Jenny lies that she’s known the whole time and was just using him for status. Good one, J.

Georgina shows up at the Palace shortly after Serena has watched her video and Lily and Eric are a bit less than thrilled to have her come to dinner. Making chit-chat, Georgina reveals that everyone’s so happy and congratulates Eric on finding a boyfriend. Everyone gasps and looks around and Eric wants to kill himself all over again. Georgina tries to play it like she figured everyone already knew he was gay and Lily needs a Valium and Serena panics and Georgina just keeps making it worse until Serena shuts her up. Lily looks at her son and is like, “You’re not… are you?” and Eric just pushes himself from the table and runs away. BTW, he’s wearing like a denim shirt so… you never know.

Rufus busts Jenny about the party she’s throwing at Asher’s and Jenny pitches a fit and whines that she’s never allowed to do anything. Rufus is all, “if you walk out that door…” and Jenny leaves anyway just as Rufus is telling her that she’s lost his trust and his respect. Poor Rufus!

Serena runs after Eric to comfort him in his room and they share a moment. Ugh.. when is Serena going to start downward spiraling? AND WHERE’S CHUCK?! Eric reveals that he met Asher back in his rehab center days and now he thinks he’ll pay a visit to his little party.

Serena shows up at Dan/Vanessa’s coffeeshop and he’s waiting to meet “Sarah”. Georgina shows up and genuinely tries to fool Serena into thinking she’s some chick named Sarah. CRAZY LADY! What is she doing? This is so freaking stupid. Dan is excited to have a new friend, Sarah, since Serena has been partying and hanging out with Chuck so much lately. Serena is totally confused but says nothing about the fact that she knows Georgina/Sarah! She just sits there, looking stunned. I guess we’re supposed to believe that this scenario is better than Dan actually knowing who Georgina is. And then Georgina threatens to show Dan and Vanessa a “short film” and we think she’s going to show the weirdo sex tape or whatever it was but Serena convinces her not to. Mmkay.

Everyone’s at Asher’s drinking champagne and wearing lots of madras print. Blair shows up looking fiieerceee in this sparkly black and silver dress and she’s totally crashing.

Get it, gurl. All the socialites are asking Jenny how the de-virginizing went. And the Eric rolls up and confronts Asher all, “Are you gonna tell her, or am I?” and Eric reveals that they are total secret lovers. Asher’s all, “Get this faggot out of here!” and I can’t believe you can say “faggot” on the CW. Blair ain’t having that because Eric is Serena’s younger brother and she won’t watch him be bullied like that she she opens up Asher’s phone and forwards all his e-mails to Gossip Girl before handing it back to him. BUSTED!

Gossip Girl updates us that little Jenny didn’t spread her thighs, just LIES! All the socialites confront Jenny and are so disgusted that she DIDN’T lose her virginity on the real and that she lied about it. They dump her and are now on Blair’s side once again. Who cares? WHERE’S CHUCK?

Jenny later goes over to Blair’s mansion to tell her that “it’s over” and that Blair has won the battle of popularity. Jenny seems to be finally defeated and she runs home, apologizes to Rufus and cries into his flannel shirt.

Back at the coffee shop, Dan is still stoked about “Sarah” – WTF, Dan? Wouldn’t your cynical brain have caught onto this by now? Sarah’s not even cool anyway. Serena is too chickenshit to tell Dan who “Sarah” really is. As Dan and Vanessa stroll away, Serena catches Georgina/Sarah and is like, “Why are you blackmailing me?” and Georgina threatens that she knows things. What things? Who Mr. and Mrs. Shephard are?? Do tell!

Serena bolts over to Blair’s and it’s late and Blair is in some black negligee and Serena is huffing and puffing and making crying, cringing faces. Blair’s like “Whowhat?” and Serena stammers for about fifteen minutes that she can’t tell her; she can’t tell anybody. And Blair assures her that she can tell her anything and finally, Serena pulls her face together and drops the bomb: “I killed someone.”

Next week: Serena’s downfall! It’s about damn time. Oh, an this post is dedicated to the absence of Chuck Bass…

Previously: Justin Bobby is back on the scene and Audrina’s been seen doing her own thing. Lauren and Lo decided to get a house and they guess they’ll let Audrina in on it.

Lauren, Audrina, and Lo are checking out a “real house” that they’ve apparently already purchased. They wander around cooing and saying “soooo pretty”. This place even has a guest house for Audrina to bring her stinky men so that Lauren doesn’t have to look at them and be jealous of their love. They instantly declare it an “amazing party house!” Oh, and Audrina looks like a weirdo in a turtleneck and black suit while the other chicks are in tank tops. Cool.

Caffe Primo. Lauren and Lo are having giant cups of coffee and Lauren is so amped to live with Lo because it means they can shop together – an activity she wasn’t able to do with Audrina. They discuss the housewarming party and Lauren says that Stephen Colletti is coming. Lo’s like, “YAY!” and Lauren admits that if she lets herself have feelings for him, it builds up and gets her hopes up. Lo asks how long she liked him and Lauren says, “I never really stopped.” Bitch, please. Like you’ve ever talked about Stephen at all on The Hills. MTV just wants us to get excited about Lauren having a penis in her life again, even if it means having to dig through the Laguna Beach files to get us to watch. Well damn you, MTV! It worked!

Karma Coffeehouse. Spencer is sitting on a coffee shop couch instead of Stephanie’s, playing with his iPhone. Stephanie prances in and they’re the only ones there and I wonder if they cleared out the joint to “shoot a scene”. Steph tells Spencer that she’s going to Lauren’s housewarming party. Spencer is like, “how am i supposed to tell heidi?!?” He dismisses Stephanie and says he can’t deal with this anymore. What?? What a fucking baby.

Lauren, Audrina, and Lo’s House. I don’t want to have to call it that every time so I’m going to call it the LAL House! Audrina keeps wearing turtlenecks.. so.. what’s up with that? They’re discussing who’s coming and once Audrina says Justin Bobby, Lauren’s like, “Hold up! Let’s talk about that!” and then Lo adds, “Maybe he’ll wear his cowboy hat!” It’s fedoras, Lo! He’s wearing fedoras this season. Audrina looks all hurt that these bitches are harshing on her man. They grill Lauren about Stephen Colletti’s status in her heart. How did their house get unpacked and neatly decorated so quickly? The party begins and everyone’s showing up. Brody arrives and brings them a juicer! How LA!

Heidi’s Apartment. Stephanie pops in to let Heidi know she’s going to Lauren’s housewarming. Stephanie thinks it’s “retarded” that she should have to ask Heidi for permission to hang out with Lauren in the first place. So why did Stephanie go over to Heidi’s at all? Heidi’s all, “Like, where’s your loyalty?” More Jets and Sharks battling! Stephanie is trying to pout and is all, “Fine. I won’t even go. I’ll go watch a movie.” Yeah, you do that, Stephanie Pratt.

LAL House. Everyone’s drinking cocktails and partying and Lo comments that Brody’s girlfriend has very large breasts. Lauren makes a goofy face so you know Stephen is on the horizon! JB arrives next and all the bros “WHHOAAOAO!” at his shorter hair. JB is wearing a denim vest and he flicks his fingers through a tiki torch flame like a magician. He steals Audrina away to the guest house and Audrina tells JB that the girls were hating on him coming to their party. JB doesn’t give a fuck. Some people call him a space cowboy; some call him the gangster of love.

Also, Lauren has always embarrassed me around Stephen and she’s doing it again with her googly eyes and the way she tucks her chin against her shoulder. Why does she act like that?

More LAL House. Some amount of days later, Lauren has dinner plans with Stephen. She’s acting totally weird like this is some huge date and Stephen arrives in a fucking hoodie because you never know, man. Someone might recognize him from One Tree Hill and he doesn’t want to be too flashy. At dinner, Stephen asks for the deats on all the girls. They giggle about how everyone (like their moms) wishes they were a couple . Stephen admits this is just platonic and the camera cuts to Lauren and tries to make us think she’s disappointed by that sentiment but I doubt she really is. Lauren’s like, “remember the time.. in high school..” and they reminisce about blah and blah. He drops her off, they part with a hug and Lauren still doesn’t get a piece.

She gets home and busts out some ice cream like a proper girl and recaps with Lo. Lauren declares that hanging out with Stephen makes her feel like she’s in high school and she ain’t in high school anymore! Forreals? Lo predicts, “maybe one day it’ll work out and you’ll get married.” If only!!

Next week. LAL get a dog. Audrina gets weird vibes. Stephanie kicks Spencer out. Heidi’s going to Vegas.

Previously: Serena was getting a bunch of nonsense sent to her like porno, champagne, and drugs. A forever-ago scene of Blair and Nate calling it quits. And Blair vows to ruin Jenny’s rep 4eva.

Gossip Girl tells us that it’s SAT time and we open with a fabulous montage (!) of study flurry. Dan is pouring over books, Blair is whipping through vocab flashcards with the maid, Chuck is paying off a black guy to take his test for him, and Serena is hitting the coffee pot (and wearing like, 19 necklaces). I love montages and I love flashcards so this is like a dream come true.  Jenny doesn’t have to worry about this crap because she’s just a Freshman so she’s on her way out. Rufus Humphrey catches her and says he’s going to walk her to school! No way, Dad! Jenny convinces him that’s lame and compromises by promising to have a homecooked meal together – lasagna! I’m in.

Everyone’s on campus and Blair and Serena are doing some more cramming. Blair complains that she’s only getting a 2200 on the practice exams she’s been taking. So… what happened to the SATs? Am I that old? Back in my day, numbers didn’t go any higher than 1600! And we used an abacus! Anyway, Gossip Girl is like, the Roy G. Biv-iest show in existence today. I love it! Blair is wearing a yellow trench coat, the chicks in the background are wearing a red coat and a turquoise coat and what have we here? Chuck Bass rolls up in an outstanding orange trenchcoat. My heart is fluttering.

So Chuck is explaining the latest on this Georgina character. Apparently, she’s dating some foreign prince AND THEN MY CABLE GOES OUT!! I’m not kidding. Okay, it’s back. Something about how it’s unlikely that Georgina will even show up in NYC due to her overseas frolicking. But don’t quote me on that.

All the socialites are strutting the hall with Jenny who invites them to Brooklyn for lasagna. Before they can accept, Blair intercepts them and offers a SAT cram sesh at her penthouse complete with mani/pedis, facials, hot stone massages, and all that good stuff. The socialites ditch Jenny (’cause she’s so POOR, y’all) and Blair is back in the the game. Side note: why does Blair give a crap about getting these bitches on her side? They suck.

Dan approaches campus babbling some nonsense when Serena sneak attacks him wearing orange leather driving gloves. They coo and suck face and arrange a get together.

Ugh. When Dan walks away, Michelle Trachtenberg appears from out of nowhere! OMG Georgina!  Georgina already sucks and wants to have cocktails with Serena and catch up! Gossip Girl is all, “Spotted: Serena looking like she just saw a ghost – the ghost of parties’ past.”

Outside school, Jenny is getting a hotdog from the hotdog stand and chatting with that freakish socialite who looks like she’s six years old (and kind of looks like that robot from Small Wonder).

Jenny is determined to find a boyfriend if she’s going to one-up Blair. They cruise some dudes on the sidewalk when some POOR dogwalker trips up Jenny and she drops her hotdog on the ground. A dogwalker?? SCOFF! He offers her his number (in case she wants to file a claim with insurance) and they do the look-back as they part ways. But Jenny decides she wants “a king, not a jester.” Preach, honey.

Nate enters the coffeeshop in Brooklyn where Vanessa works so that he can donate his old SAT prep books to Dan. Such a philanthropist! This scene makes no sense for numerous reasons. 1) Why is Nate in Brooklyn? (well, we kind of find out later but I don’t buy it), 2) Why would he give a crap? and 3) Dan’s not THAT freakin’ POOR, you guys! Vanessa is not working but sitting at a table on her laptop (she must’ve STOLEN it) and quizzing Dan on some test questions. She makes some smack talk to Nate about how Dan doesn’t need his help because she’s the best tutor in the world. Whatever, losers.

Over at some bar, Serena and Georgina are having cosmos and even though Serena was all, “Just one drink, okay?” she soon gets plastered with G. We know this because her hair is a mess and they’re cackling all, “Remember that time! With the thing?!” and slapping their knees and sloshing cosmos everywhere. But ohnoes! Serena made plans with Dan tonight! She stumbles away and calls Chuck to ask for help. E! Chuck is hott in this green and white striped sweater and he’s oh so amused by Serena’s drunken phone call. He makes her beg and says, “Say you need me” before he’ll do her any favors. Augh. I NEED YOU, CHUCK BASS!

Chuck helps out a sis by calling Dan and covering that Serena has food poisoning and she can’t meet up. Dan’s immediately suspicious and control-y and is like, “Oh yeah?! Put her on the phone!” Chuck doesn’t play that way and just lets him go.

Meanwhile at Blair’s SAT spa, Blair is encouraging the socialites to initiate Operation: Take Down on this random smart Asian named Nellie Yuki. Apparently, Nellie Yuki (who Blair calls by first and last name every time) is on her way to the perfect score and is ruining Blair’s chances at… whatever. FAME, I guess. So they brainstorm about how to ruin her SAT day.

The next day on the Upper East Side, Jenny and that robot are scamming guys again when they see the POOR dogwalker! But hold on! He ain’t poor – he OWNS those dogs and is seen handing them off to a real dogwalker and getting into a towncar. Jackpot!

So the writers are trying to convince us that Nate and Vanessa are actually bonding so I guess I have to write about that. They meet up at a Greek diner (in Brooklyn, natch) and it turns out, Vanessa wanted to apologize to Nate for being snarky at the coffee shop. Nate confesses that he hangs in Brooklyn now and then because that’s where his dad’s rehab facility is. Endearing! Vanessa reveals that when she flipped through Nate’s old SAT books that he handed off, she found some of his practice essays and they really touched her heart. Maybe he’s not an idiot afterall!

Over in the Humphrey Williamsburg loft, Dan is cramming and Jenny is showing off her homework to Rufus, hoping it’ll get her un-grounded. Remember when she stole the Valentino gown? Rufus is still not pleased about that. So to make it up to her (?), he bought her a sewing machine! No more stealing! He still doesn’t let Jenny off the hook which disappoints her because she wants to meet up with the dogwalker for a date. Hell to the no, little J.

Blair has invited Nellie Yuki over to her penthouse for girl time and they crack NY by talking about her ex-boyfriend. Nellie Yuki is getting all emotional when some Asian dude walks in – it must be her ex! Nellie Yuki kind of freaks out and they hug and talk things out and you’d think she has totally forgotten the SATs. Blair is so pleased that she is making strides in Operation: Take Down.

Nate and Vanessa are strolling down the street and Nate’s being charming. V ain’t taking the SATs because she’s POOR and just wants to be a filmmaker, man! Nate is wow’d by her life of mediocrity and can’t grasp the concept of parents not FORCING their child to take the SATs and go to college. At the door to the coffee shop (why didn’t he walk her home?), they stare at each other and are all murmur-y and you know it’s coming. eewewww.. SMOOCH!!! Are you serious?! Nate and Vanessa Randomgate ’08!

Actually it’s sort of hot and omg, it’s like SUPER-smoochy! Rather intense for boring-ass Nate. They keep on kissing and you see Vanessa get the door open at the same time. Smooth operator. 

Serena has agreed to meet up with Georgina and her big teeth again – this time for non-alcoholic drinks only! They have Diet Cokes for dinner and Georgina’s all, “So.. what’s up with Dan?” and Serena defends their dorky love saying that he makes her believe in herself. Yawn. Serena steps out to call Dan and wish him luck with his studying and G totally slips some shit into Serena’s soda!! Fucking freak!

We cut to the next morning and Serena’s waking up in Georgina’s suite all discombobulated and can’t remember anything.  It’s SAT day and Serena mumbles “I’m supposed to be at Hunter College.”  SHOUT OUT!! I’m so excited by the reference to my alma mater that I miss what’s going on but it’s just Serena stumbling around for her clothes, trying to figure out what happened the previous night. Georgina tries to convince her that she started drinking tequila and S is like, “whowhatwhere?” and bolts.  She’s not sure she’ll make it on time so she calls in another favor from Chuck.

Nate rolls up to the coffee shop where Vanessa works in a towncar and rescues her away from this place! He’s all, “come with me. It’s a one-time offer!” Hm.. white slavery? Close! He’s forcing her to take the freaking SATs. What a gentleman. Vanessa’s like, “er.. no thank you” and Nate explains that she can choose her future and she should do so by doing what Nate thinks is best. What the fuck does he care? I don’t get this. Well, V’s got her #2 pencils so hey, why not? It’s not like you have to register in advance to take the SATs or anything. Psh.

WHO CARES?! They’re at Hunter College for real real and it’s making my heart soar. I know nobody else cares. But they’re on the steps of Thomas Hunter Hall and Gossip Girl just earned itself like, four hundred points for giving props to the City University of New York and keeping it so real. Fake-o New Yorkers would have had them taking this shit at NYU but the writers (or locations scouts) of this show recognize. I tried to express my excitement about this to my boyfriend but he didn’t care and since there was a major Hollywood motion picture made about his university, he was a little underwhelmed. Whatevs.

Oh, so the scene – yeah, it’s just everyone milling about before the SATs. Can I just say that I love what Blair and the gang are wearing to take their goddamn SATs?

Nellie Yuki shows up a damn mess because she spent the entire night crying about her ex-boyfriend. And to top it off, Blair steals the batteries out of Nellie Yuki’s calculator. Pretty sneaky, sis. At the same time, everyone’s looking for Serena and Dan is losin’ it because he can’t find her. While checking in, he overhears some non-Serena say “I’m Serena van der Woodsen” so we know Serena had Chuck get someone to take the test for her.

Afterwards, everyone’s filing out and Nate is there waiting to take Vanessa home. ???? Whatever. As she’s hugging Nate with excitement, Dan sees their exchange and can’t believe that his BFF would cavort with the likes of some yuppy cheesehead. Nate is wearing one of those navy blazers with brass buttons and looks like a ship captain.

Dan shows up at The Palace to find out what happened to Serena. She won’t look him in the eye or make any reference to Georgina and she just says she didn’t feel well. Dan’s not buying it and he’s all psycho and “WHAT ABOUT PROM, BLAINE?!” and holding her face, demanding to know what’s going on with her behavior. Chucks steps in wearing a purple cardigan and puts Dan in his place, closing the door on him.

Serena goes over to Georgina’s suite and is like, “You eff’d me!!” and stands her ground claiming she’s so over last year’s antics and she wants nothing to do with Georgina’s lifestyle. Obviously, some major scandal happened last year and Serena doesn’t want to talk about it – she just wants to move on. I think they traded Asian children on the black market or something because they’re acting like they were involved in some big secret that neither of them will say out loud. What happened??

The dogwalker, Asher, shows up at the Humphrey residence with a giant bag of hotdogs – a make-up for crashing into Jenny and making her drop hers. Rufus is charmed by the sweet gesture and decides to let Jenny hang out with the dude. SPOILER ALERT! It won’t be the last time he’s holding a weiner, ifyaknowwhatimean.

Over at Central Park, Dan is there for no reason when a golden retriever bowls into him. Georgina comes chasing after it and is straight up single white female, trying to woo Dan and takeover Serena’s life, apparently. She introduces herself as “Sarah” and they flirt a little bit.

Serena, watch yo back!

Next time: The “secret” that Serena and Georgina are harboring is out! And that’s not the only thing… coming out!