Previously: Blair made a friend in Europe – a dude who turned out to be a British Lord named Marcus Beaton. Serena stooped to getting back together with Dan. Nate started a sordid affair with a married older woman.  Cool.

Serena and Dan obviously fucked on the beach. We know this because it’s morning and Serena is doing that thing where she sits up, holding a blanket to her bare chest meaning sex has occurred. Oh, why don’t you just fucking rain down on me, guys. I know this is only the beginning of vomit-worthy nuzzleiness between D & S. Serena panics and is like, “Er.. we should think about this before getting back together!” After she gets her rocks off! Whatta jerk. Dan’s like, “Noes! I want to be together forreals!” and Serena’s like, “We’ll see. Peace.”

Summer has drawn to a close and Lord Marcus and Blair are bicycling down the road. Blair wonders what he’s doing now that we know he’s not really in college. Marcus asks if he can come kick it with her in Manhattan and Blair’s psyched to meet the fam – the Duke and Dutchess. Marcus says “We’ll see” and then they head to brunch.

Blair steps outside at brunch to call Serena, panicking that she thinks she’s in love with Lord Marcus and NOT because she’s trying to get revenge on Chuck. She says Marcus is the “perfect Chuck Bass palette cleanser” when mister CB himself comes strolling up the walk in shorts and loafers. Yes and yes.  Chuck spies Marcus at the brunch table and fakes that he wants to be friends and even offers a handshake. He joins him and then they make a squash date! Blair comes back to the table and hates this scenario.

Oh, sick. Serena sees Dan slumming it at the bus stop, waiting for the Jitney to take him back to the city. They stammer and act awkward in front of each other since they’ve made that agreement that they won’t fuck anymore and will take it slow and see what’s best as if this is going to make me more invested. No, thank you.

Nate is ready to hit the road and get back to the city too. Before he leaves the Hamptons, his mom tells him that his dad is in some deep shit and all other kinds of white people problems and in conclusion, they have no money. Nate’s like, “er.. I gotta go” when he gets a call from Catherine the Cougar. She leaves him a message saying that she can’t wait to fondle him in the city. Me neither, lady!

On the Jitney bus, Dan and Serena are about to come in their pants from all the forced, not at all believable sexual tension. Serena even eats a fucking chocolate covered strawberry in slow motion just to make him squirm. You know, typical travel snack. Then she gets up and drags Dan to the bathroom and then the Jitney drives off a cliff. Oh, how I wish!!

In the limo back to the city, Blair and Lord Marcus are having champagne and talking about all the Manhattan fun they’ll have. It’s clear that Blair really just wants in with his royal family since status is the highest of her priorities. She invents a “Welcome Back to the City” party to invite him to and quickly texts her family’s maid that they need to set it up ASAP. Dorota the party planner!

In a different limo, Nate and Chuck are brushing each others hair and chatting about how Chuck can one-up this Marcus character. He gets a mysterious call on his cell phone which he doesn’t want to take with Nate around. Hm..  Nate gets home to find a bunch of cops or Feds or whoever, going through all his family’s shit since his father’s company is selling all his assets. Nate tries to put his foot down but they don’t give a shit. Worried, he calls Catherine.

STOP. RIGHT. THERE. Guys in short sleeved sweaters and goggles playing squash just became my new bedtime fantasy. I didn’t even know what squash was. Apparently, it’s like racquetball but inside. Chuck and Lord Marcus just finished an intense game. Oh, God! I love how this is the Upper East Side version of the guys-at-the-batting-cage movie device where they engage in dialog about girls but play a manly sport in order to maintain guy-rapport.  Lord Marcus tells Chuck that he’s not sure if his mom, the Dutchess, will be cool with Blair since she’s so common and all.

Later on, Nate arrives at Chuck’s place to talk and finds out he’s sitting there with his accountant, working on selling his shares of Vitrola, the club his father bought for him. When Nate leaves, Chuck reveals he told “Mrs. Archibald we’d get this done tonight” so apparently, the money he gets from selling the club might be going to his BFF in his time of need. Aw. And if Nate threw a party, and invited everyone he knew, he would see the biggest gift from be from Chuck and the card attached would say: THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND.

Why is Nate such a loser that he would go down to Vanessa’s new gallery coffee shop (BTW: She constructed a coffeeshop next to Rufus’ art gallery while he was away on tour and now works there. I thought this plot point was stupid so I’m summarizing it here and that will be all I really say about it)? Has poverty made him fall this far already? They exchange stupid chit-chat about how Vanessa knows all the cool, poor places in town like this place in the Village where they have two-for-one taco night (and it’s owned by “lesbian mexicans” she adds – insert your own taco joke here). Nate’s mom calls and lets him know that someone outside of her “regular circle” loaned them the money to keep their home and Nate figures out that it’s Chuck.

Chuck and Catherine the Cougar are meeting up because – wait for it – she’s Lord Marcus’ (step) mom, the Dutchess!  Blair’s party at the Hudson Hotel is in full swing. She’s even got a harp and a flute player. Dan and Serena find each other there and basically just suck for a while. Chuck puts his plan in action by bringing Dutchess Catherine over to Blair to introduce them. Blair wonders why Chuck would want her to meet this lady, perhaps assuming she’s his date, snapping, “What, so she can warn me about the effects of too much botox?”. Ha. Catherine informs her that she is Dutchess Beaton and Blair almost pisses herself in horror. Chuck is oh-so amused by Blair’s faltering. Surely, Marcus and his family will never accept Blair now.

Later at the party, Blair finds Dutchess Cougar and falls over herself apologizing. Catherine stops her from even trying and says Marcus will never date a “lowly Waldorf”. In private with Serena, Blair complains that the party is a bust and wonders what she can do to get in with the royal family. Blair Waldorf is not lowly! She is determined to get what’s hers.

More nastiness: Serena corners Dan by the elevators and awkwardly makes out with him and ruins my whole life. They get in the elevator and continue to grope each other like this is some sort of off-limits big deal. Hey guys, when there’s no actual reason for things to be off-limits, it’s not lurid and exciting so… stop trying.

Nate gets a text at the party to meet Cougar Catherine in the hotel’s library. She can’t deal with Nate’s poverty either so she, too, offers him some cash. He asks, “Well, what would I have to do for you?” He’s just like Julia Roberts! I hope this leads into a montage of Nate shopping on Rodeo Drive for a brown and white polka dot dress to wear to a polo match. Catherine shows him exactly what he can do for her and essentially has her way with him right there on the floor. Too bad for her that Blair is still trying to make amends and looking everywhere for her so they get totally busted when Blair walks in on them (and yells out “Oh my effing God!” Awesome). Now the Dutchess might owe her one!

Later, Blair finds Chuck to gloat about winning over the Dutchess, meaning his plan backfired. Chuck is shocked but sort of proud (and aroused) that Blair was able to charm (or con) the royal family. And surely he’s a bit sad too, murmuring “Night Blair” as she bids him farewell. Sigh.Sigh.Sigh.

On his way home, Nate calls Vanessa in order to further their pointless plotline. They had plans to hang out that night but he has to cancel since he’s now at the mercy of Dutchess Cougar who wants to take him home for the night. Duty calls!

Next week: Chuck makes me cream my own pants with only his words. See ya then!