August 20, 2008
The Hills: We’ll Never Be Friends
Last season: Whitney and Lauren left Teen Vogue to go work in styling at People’s Revolution. Spencer wrecked Heidi’s “career” opportunities in Vegas so that they could get back together. Lauren, Audrina and Lo (LAL) bought a house but Lo and Audrina aren’t getting along.
People’s Revolution. Whitney and Lauren are sorting jeans and making chit chat, just like they used to do at Teen Vogue. Lauren tells her that she and Lo are throwing Audrina a birthday pool party. Then she announces that she has a date with a boy named Doug from her hometown whose prom she went to. Lauren doesn’t do shit, man. She just stands around talking about herself. The jeans are waiting, girls! Hop to it.
Bolthouse. Heidi and Kimberly are coming back to the office with lunch and Heidi announces that her sister Holly is coming out to LA to visit. Spencer has moved back into the apartment but Heidi has neglected to tell him that company is on the way, nor did she tell Holly to expect Spencer to be there when she arrives. Oops. Her plan is just to get home from work early to avoid any awkward run-ins. I bet that won’t work!
Epic Records. WTF @ everybody working? I mean really. We all know Lauren gets paid something like, $2 million just for doing The Hills, plus she has all her shit like her make-up endorsements and shit. Audrina made money off those nudie pix and Heidi is a robot and doesn’t need to work anyway. Why try to fool us with these fake jobs? I guess just to give us another venue for gossip to take place. So Audrina is talking to Chiara about her upcoming birthday pool party. Audrina’s not too jazzed about partying with Lo and refers to her as “super bitchy”!
Heidi & Spencer’s Apartment. Heidi’s sister Holly is sitting awkwardly on the couch – looks like she arrived to LA before Heidi could get home from “work”. Spencer is quite the gentlemanly host, lounging on the couch, not speaking and playing video games. Heidi arrives wearing this stupid ass billowy scarf over some satin camisole and that combo makes no sense at all. Oh, LA! But seriously, what’s with Spencer? He’s ALWAYS home fucking lounging. Doesn’t he have paparazzi to call? Music videos to make? I thought he was a mover and a shaker. Anyway, Heidi wants to greet her sister properly but Spencer is being too much of a douche so she has to drag him away in awkward privacy and give him the old “be nice!” lecture. Heidi’s sister looks just like Heidi before she fucked up her face! Ah, memories.
LAL House. Lauren is getting ready for her date with Doug and Lo suggests she invite him to Audrina’s birthday. Lauren encourages Lo to hang out with Audrina while she’s gone and Lo totally rolls her eyes. Doug arrives and he and Lauren hit the town. Doug is, of course, such a fucking tool and totally boring. Lauren’s trying to initiate conversation, asking him “Are you adjusting well to LA?” to which he replies “Yeah.” …Silence. Cool story, Doug. Lauren has to resort to “remember that time when…” stories from their high school days just to fill time.
At the restaurant, Lauren orders some specialty cocktail while Doug orders a Stella Artois and just says “Stella” which is what people say when they can’t pronounce the second word of that brand. It’s cool, man. Lauren tries to disect his drink choice and observes that a “drink says a lot about a person” and Doug’s mouth just catches flies as the time ticks by oh-so-slowly. Before their drinks even arrive, Doug asks if they can “do this again some time” so Lauren hooks him up with an invite to Audrina’s pool party.
Heidi & Spencer’s Apartment. Heidi and Holly are up early making some breakfast and Heidi complains that it’s too early. Holly offers Spencer some breakfast and he’s a complete dick and says “That’ll be a pass for me.” He and Heidi bicker right in front of Holly with Heidi telling him not to be so rude to her sister and Spencer doesn’t give a fuck and goes back to bed.
LAL House. It’s pool party time! The drinks are flowing and Audrina’s friends show up and you can tell they are totally punk rock and hard core with mohawks and all that stuff that makes Lauren uncomfortable. It makes me think of Girls Just Want to Have Fun” when those punks crash Natalie’s coming out party and break the ice sculptures. Lo is uncomfortable around all these ne’er-do-wells who Audrina says she hangs out with when she’s not hanging out with Lauren and Lo. Lo’s is “super bitchy” and responds, “Well… we’ll just have to enjoy the company that comes.”
More punk rock partying. Justin Bobby shows up wearing a leather jacket to a pool party, of course. Lauren and Lo are in the kitchen preparing the cake and Lauren is bitching that Lo isn’t being social enough. They complain that they don’t know any of Audrina’s friends and that Audrina doesn’t make an effort to be their friend. Lo throws up her deuces and wants no further role in trying to befriend Audrina. Back at the pool, Lauren declares the party a “disaster” even though it seems fun to me.
Heidi & Spencer’s Apartment. Heidi is showing her sister to a cab since it’s time for her to go home to Colorado. Holly hints before she goes that she’d be interested in moving to LA and maybe she could stay with Heidi for a bit. Spencer gets his period over it and is all pissed off that Heidi would even offer to let her FAMILY stay at her place. THE NERVE!
People’s Revolution. Lauren and Whitney are at work gossiping about the party and not working. Even though Lo fucked up the party, Lauren was really into Doug and how cool he was. She can’t, on the other hand, handle the stress of maintaining the peace between Audrina and Lo and something needs to be done.
LAL House. Lo makes her way to the guesthouse to visit Audrina. At first she apologizes for being absent from Audrina’s birthday but then keeps it real and says they continue trying to be her friend but Audrina makes no effort. Audrina admits she just doesn’t click with Lo and Lauren and to get over it. They basically go back and forth arguing about whose fault it is but Audrina’s point is that she doesn’t care. Audrina points out that she has friends who treat her well and include her and Lo and Lauren aren’t like that and Lo keeps interjecting with “We do make an effort!” and then Audrina flat out says, “I just don’t care. We’ll never be friends.” The second sentence sounds a bit dubbed over but whatever. Lo is taken aback and is like, “ooo-kay” and that’s that. Who cares, man? Why does Lo even care if Audrina makes an effort to be her friend when they don’t like each other? Oh, you guys.
This season: A bunch of dumb shit happens like more Stephanie Pratt ruining everyone’s lives with her Mystic Tan and everybody being “super bitchy” I hope!
