Previously. Lily’s marrying Chuck’s dad, Bart, and Rufus is all bent out of shape about it. Vanessa and Nate smooched. Georgina is still here. Oh, and Serena killed someone. Let’s light this candle.

It’s the episode before the season finale, y’all, so this better be good. The episode opens with Georgina traipsing down the street, leaving a million phone messages for Serena on her voicemail.

Down in Brooklyn, Rufus is practicing his guitar in the loft because he’s appearing in some “Forgotten Bands of the 90’s” special on VH1 Classics (no, really).  Dan reminds him that he’s old and then laments his recent fights with Serena, your typical father-teenage son talks!

Nate pops up at Vanessa’s coffee shop and he’s standing awful close to her! Vanessa is wearing this junky garbage gold jewelry and way too much of it. Nate gets a phone call and looks distressed but before he bolts, he asks Vanessa to do something that night – meet up for a rendezvous at Rufus’s 90’s show.

At The Palace, Dan shows up looking for Serena while Lily and Bart are into some heavy wedding planning and futzing with caterers, planners, and the like. Chuck is around (!) wearing this total Mr. Rogers beige cardigan and plaid pants. Swoon.. how I missed him. He gets a phone call and acts all shady in front of Dan who is begging anyone and everyone to tell him where Serena is. Whoever Chuck is talking to, he informs Serena didn’t come home the previous night. Dan’s nostrils flair.

Chuck gets up outta there and we find him in an elevator with Nate – they’ve both been summoned to Blair’s penthouse. They’ve hardly been in any scenes together since the big confrontation pre-writers-strike, so this is interesting. They act all awkward because they’ve both fucked Blair and they secretly want to feel each other’s butts. In my mind, they do.

Back at The Palace, Georgina shows up, still trying to call Serena but runs into Dan in the courtyard. He’s all, “SARAH!” – still buying this charade, I see.  Georgina isn’t pleased about this run-in but puts on the Sarah act tout suite. Dan gets a call on his cell phone and it shows that it’s from Serena but when he answers it, it’s a bartender calling from her phone which was left at his bar the previous night. He describes the girl who left it and mentions to Dan that she “left with two or three guys” and Dan nearly busts out of his plaid shirt.

Meanwhile, Blair arrives home where Chuck and Nate are waiting in the living room. She calls for their help and we see Serena still in the elevator, all slouched down and disheveled, looking like a junkie. Blair must’ve rescued her from wherever and Chuck and Nate help get her to the bedroom. This must be like, a dream come true for Chuck. Serena’s acting all fucked up like she took Quaaludes or something, all moaning and disoriented and can’t stand up on her own.  Chuck brings in some bagels to help cure her hangover while Blair strips off Serena’s clothes to throw her in the shower. Chuck gazes on, totally horny at this scenario while Nate wants to look but is too into boys gentlemanly to do so.

Dan finds Lily, who is being interviewed for Rolling Stone magazine for taking some famous picture of Rufus back in his 90’s heyday, and tells her he can’t find Serena. Lily suggests finding her at Blair’s. No shit, Dan.  He arrives at the Waldorf estate and is shocked to see everyone together, noting that Nate, Blair, and Chuckare all supposed to hate each other. They all tell Dan that Serena isn’t there but Dan ain’t buying it. Dan whines, “Are you really gonna stop me from seeing my girlfriend?!” when Serena comes down the stairs, looking normal in some robe business and her hair pulled back. Wasn’t she like, half-dead five minutes ago?

Anyway, Dan knows Serena is keeping something from him and questions her about the info he got from the bartender – that Serena stayed out with some dudes. He starts losin’ it and asks if she cheated on him to which Serena nods and replies “Yes”. Everyone looks away uncomfortably while Dan peaces out on these clowns. Remember that plaid from the 90’s that was like, red, yellow and black? That’s what Dan’s shirt looks like and it’s completely gross.  Don’t worry, Dan. That plaid shirt will look FIERCE at the VH1 Classics show.  Conveniently, Sarah/Georgina calls Dan’s cell phone as he’s leaving Blair’s and they agree to meet up in the park. Bogus.

Dorota, Blair’s family’s maid, calls Lily van der Woodsen and tells her “Serena is like, the old days” insinuating that Serena is acting like a ho all over again. Lily knows what that means and decides to come right over. But first, she rifles through Serena’s things – I don’t know why.. maybe looking for drugs? – and comes across that portable flash drive thing that contained the mysterious video. If my mom found one of those things, she’d have no idea what to do with it but Lily is hip and happenin’.

Back at the Waldorfs, Serena tells them she never really cheated, she just told Dan that she did because it’s better than what she’s really been up to. Everyone’s like, “What is this horrible thing you did?” and they all start talking about the times they’ve slept with one another, proving no one in their circle is exactly a saint. Blair’s like, “I had sex with him [nods at Chuck] in the back of a limo,” while Chuck adds, “Several times.” Oh Chuck – do me next! Nate then reminds Serena that the two of them had sex on top of a bar at a wedding. I feel icky hearing these teenagers recount their sexcapades so casually. Then Blair begs Serena to spill what’s going on with her.

So here goes: This whole re-telling by Serena is a combo of narration over flashback, clips of the sex tape that Lily is watching on Serena’s laptop, and present tense storytelling by Serena to the group. We flashback to the night Nate and Serena got it on at a wedding (The Shephard wedding!! Now I get it) on top of the bar after everyone had cleared out. She felt awful afterwards because Nate was with Blair at the time and Serena was ruining everone’s life. Post-coitus, Serena got in a cab and called Georgina, upset about what she had done and Georgina invited her over to her place where we then learn G and some other guy have set up a hidden camera. Lily is watching the video and we finally see it – Georgina announcing that Serena will “go down for anything” once again before Serena enters, upset about sleeping with Nate. We see Georgina and this guy bust out some drugs and then Lily fast-forwards ’til we see the dude (I still don’t know who he is) groping Serena and trying to coax her into sex. She eventually starts making out with him and then, trying to get out of doing this guy, she suggests they stop and “do a couple lines”. She cuts some for him and after he snorts one, he immediately starts convulsing and seizuring and Serena panics. She yells for Georgina and Georgina freaks because they can’t call the cops, even though Serena is begging to call 911. G’s like, “we have to get out of here ASAP” and pulls her out of there, leaving the guy to die. Later, Serena is hanging out across the street, waiting and hoping for the paramedics to bring out a conscious victim but it turns out, the dude comes out in a body bag and yep, he’s dead.  Back in the present time, Nate still doesn’t get what Georgina wants with Serena and why she’s blackmailing. I don’t either, Nate. All Serena knows is that Dan can’t see that tape and if he keeps hanging out with Georgina, he might just get a glimpse.

The night of Lily and Bart’s rehearsal dinner at The Palace, everyone’s all dressed up and Serena has brought Blair with her to keep her company. Chuck is in a bowtie! Lily confronts Serena about the tape and tells her that she’s out of control! Lily threatens to send Serena to reform school and Serena maintains that her mom doesn’t know the full story. Plus, her hair is amazing. I’m so jealous of Blake Lively’s hair.. does she have extensions?  Anyway, Blair approaches Lily and begs her not to send Serena away and tells her that Serena is “in pain” and has a secret.

Nate calls Vanessa who is already at the VH1 Classics venue, helping Rufus set up, and he looks HOTTTTT in this light blue dress shirt and brown jacket. Vanessa informs him that Dan and “Sarah” are already there and Nate’s confused and hot at the same time. He’s like, “Sarah? You mean Georgina?” and tells Vanessa that Georgina is trouble and shouldn’t be trusted. Then he calls Blair to let her know about Dan and Georgina hanging out together.

After Blair gets the call, she appraoches Chuck, still at the rehearsal dinner, and he smarms at her, “What’s gotten into you?” I wish YOU would, Charles Bass! Blair tells him that she’s found out the whereabouts of Georgina and Chuck declares, “Let’s get the bitch” and they bolt.

In a town car outside some apartment, Lily has taken Serena to the house of the family of the dude who died from the cocaine on the videotape. How Lily got this info, I have no idea – I guess the guy who died was a family friend. She wants Serena to go in and talk to the family so she can get some sense of closure. This is… weird. This doesn’t seem like how rich people deal with their problems. After they talk to the family, which isn’t shown, LIly assures Serena that everything’s all good now and Serena did nothing wrong. You know, aside from the coke and the random fooling around on videotape at sixteen years old, she’s quite the saint. Serena’s all, “Take me to see Dan!” and they head to the VH1 Classics gig.

At the concert, Vanessa confronts Georgina when she arrives and asks what’s up with her shadiness. Georgina denies having a glitch and then later, Dan arrives and Vanessa tells him that something’s fishy with this Sarah character. Then Lisa Loeb is on stage playing “Stay” – no seriously! Dan sits down with Georgina and tells her to give him her full story and she lies again, explaining that she changed her name from Georgina to Sarah because of an abusive ex-boyfriend. Michelle Trachtenburg’s round ass face only makes Dan’s cheekbones look more severe. Georgina is sitting there crying and being gross and tells Dan that she’s fallen for him! Dan suggests they go some place quiet and talk. Because Rufus’s band is so ROCKIN’ that it’s hard to hear.

Rufus’s band is like, Train meets Gin Blossoms, so… that kinda sucks. Nate arrives and has brought along Chuck and Blair who are all looking for Georgina.  Serena also arrives, looking for Dan and is relieved because all her drama is over now!! Is it?

Lily creeps over to the side of the stage and watches Rufus play. EE! I got excited when they made eye contact from across the stage. It’s all very “California Dreams” plus thirty years with Lily swooning at Rufus’s musical skills. After the song, Rufus bolts off stage to find Lily and she warns him to stay out of her way. He refuses and then they smooch on the sidewalk!

Serena’s still in the venue looking for Dan and is wearing this heinous gold jacket. She gets a call from Dan’s cell but when she picks up, she discovers it’s Georgina (ugh.. she has no life!) calling from Dan’s phone and telling Serena she should be afraid. She threatens to get it on with Dan and then closes his phone. Dan strolls up with two cups of coffee and Georgina removes his battery before giving the phone back to him. Then she looks all psycho and leans in for a kiss. Dan’s like, “eh, why not?” and proceeds to make out with her. Gross-a-roo.

Next week. THE FINALE! At the Bass/van der Woodsen wedding, somebody gets punched! I think it’s Chuck – awesome.

This post celebrates the complete absensce of Jenny Humphrey from an episode. Relief!