Previously: Jenny met Asher, the rich dog owner. Eric van der Woodsen tried to kill himself a million years ago. Serena’s ex-BFF, Georgina, came to town and fucked everything up. Then she introduced herself to Dan as “Sarah” – freak.

Asher and Jenny are hosting a  party since Asher’s parents are out of town in Cannes.  Jenny is so pumped and up on her high horse about her new boyfriend since he is simply divine. Oh, and Blair’s not invited.  Rufus Humphrey calls little J because he’s stumbled across the eVite to the party. eVites?? POOR! Jenny lies that she has choir practice and the string of lies to Papa H continues.

Over at Vanessa’s coffee shop in Brooklyn where space and time mean nothing because ain’t it a school day? So why is Vanessa working? Georgina is sitting at the counter pretending to be new to the city and acting like a lost tourist. This is all part of her “Sarah” act, it seems. What a freaking waste of time. Oh, and P.S., this entire episode is essentially a waste of time. I’m just saying it now.  Dan waltzes in and is all, “Hi Sarah!” so apparently, they’ve bonded. “Sarah” really wants to meet Serena, Dan’s girlfriend. Riiight. So… what’s going on here?

We see Jenny and Asher canoodling in the courtyard and Eric is looking on, pining. But pining FOR WHOM?! Eric confronts Jenny and acts kinda crazy, saying she hasn’t returned his calls and Jenny blathers on about how much she’s in love with Asher. Eric looks all hurt and Jenny mistakenly assumes that Eric has a crush on HER. Oh, the impending pie-in-face is so obvious.

As everyone scatters to class, Dan rounds the corner and sees THE TRUTH! Asher and… somebody else in a tie. Two dudes are fondling each other’s ties up against a wall but Asher’s in the way of the other guy. Dan can’t see who it is but definitely sees that Asher is having his way with a fellow gentleman.

Over at The Palace, Lily is planning her wedding and Rufus shows up! He needs motherly advice re: Jenny and her new boyfriend. Lily’s got a serious itenerary of wedding errands so she invites Rufus to come along. Sure, he’s got nothing to do besides tag along with his ex-girlfriend while she plans her wedding to some other dude.

Dan confronts Asher and is all, “I saw you! I saw you kissing that guy!” And Asher is like, “Are you calling me queer?!” and it’s so dumb and like, out of a script from twenty years ago. Asher continues, “I’m so queer, I’m gonna pop your sister’s cherry tonight.” LOLEWW!! Sick, dude. Jenny comes to the rescue and insists that Dan is just jealous and she and Asher are happy as clams. Or rather, as happy as two dudes groping each other in their prep school uniforms. More of that, please!

Dan approaches Serena and Blair on the steps and he’s all pouty that Jenny won’t listen to him. Blair thinks Asher sucks too because now Jenny has a boyfriend and she doesn’t. She wants to team up with Dan to bring down this relationship and lets Dan know that Jenny only listens to the four G’s right now: guys, girlfriends, and Gossip Girl. Dan gets a glimmer in his eye.

Gossip Girl gets a buzz proclaiming that Asher kissed a boy! People are thinking it might just be a Blair-prank but Blair claims it wasn’t her who submitted the gossip. Blair confronts Dan and tells him that was a pretty bold move and he reveals that he saw the smooch with his own eyes! So Blair now sees that Asher is just using Jenny as a beard.

Serena gets a call from the Palace letting her know that something arrived for her. Oh, jeez. Not again.

WHERE IS CHUCK?? It’s been twenty minutes!

Lily opens up the curtain to her dressing room and she’s standing there in an amazing wedding gown. Rufus almost sheds a tear at how HOT TO TROT she looks. Lily is fab and Rufus is still in love. He makes it pretty obvious. Lily’s like, “er.. we’re just friends, right?” Heartbreak hotel!

Blair seems to have stolen Asher’s cell phone and has decided to forward all his incoming e-mails and texts to herself. Meanwhile, Jenny shows up at Asher’s and, pissed about all the rumors, decides to jump his bones to prove his straightness. Asher throws up a little and pushes her away and is all, “This isn’t what we do!” Then he gets real with her: “You’re Jenny Humphrey.. from BROOKLYN” and tells her how he’s doing her a favor and giving her status. I mean, it’s straight up Elton in Clueless when he scoffs at the notion of being set up with Ty crying, “Do you know who my father is?” Jenny realizes that he’s just helping her move up the social food chain. And then Asher convinces Jenny to tell all her friends that they had sex! You know, since he’s doing her a favor and all.

Serena arrives home and opens her package – it’s a flash drive from Georgina containing a video. And this is some weirdo stuff. Serena pops it into her laptop and we hear Georgina’s voice telling some guy to put the camera over there and then says, “It’s Serena. She’ll go down for anything.” And then there’s a man’s voice, and then someone says “Mr. and Mrs. Shephard” (??) and then you hear Serena’s voice whining and moaning that it’s “too hot”. All this time, we only see Serena’s face reacting to the video and she quickly closes her laptop. I even watched it twice and I still didn’t get it! Shady.

There’s another rumor on Gossip Girl that “Jenny swiped her V-card at Asher’s register” – har har. Dan confronts her all, “WTF?” and she admits that it’s not true but she wants everyone to believe it’s true. Dan fesses up that he saw Asher kissing a dude and Jenny lies that she’s known the whole time and was just using him for status. Good one, J.

Georgina shows up at the Palace shortly after Serena has watched her video and Lily and Eric are a bit less than thrilled to have her come to dinner. Making chit-chat, Georgina reveals that everyone’s so happy and congratulates Eric on finding a boyfriend. Everyone gasps and looks around and Eric wants to kill himself all over again. Georgina tries to play it like she figured everyone already knew he was gay and Lily needs a Valium and Serena panics and Georgina just keeps making it worse until Serena shuts her up. Lily looks at her son and is like, “You’re not… are you?” and Eric just pushes himself from the table and runs away. BTW, he’s wearing like a denim shirt so… you never know.

Rufus busts Jenny about the party she’s throwing at Asher’s and Jenny pitches a fit and whines that she’s never allowed to do anything. Rufus is all, “if you walk out that door…” and Jenny leaves anyway just as Rufus is telling her that she’s lost his trust and his respect. Poor Rufus!

Serena runs after Eric to comfort him in his room and they share a moment. Ugh.. when is Serena going to start downward spiraling? AND WHERE’S CHUCK?! Eric reveals that he met Asher back in his rehab center days and now he thinks he’ll pay a visit to his little party.

Serena shows up at Dan/Vanessa’s coffeeshop and he’s waiting to meet “Sarah”. Georgina shows up and genuinely tries to fool Serena into thinking she’s some chick named Sarah. CRAZY LADY! What is she doing? This is so freaking stupid. Dan is excited to have a new friend, Sarah, since Serena has been partying and hanging out with Chuck so much lately. Serena is totally confused but says nothing about the fact that she knows Georgina/Sarah! She just sits there, looking stunned. I guess we’re supposed to believe that this scenario is better than Dan actually knowing who Georgina is. And then Georgina threatens to show Dan and Vanessa a “short film” and we think she’s going to show the weirdo sex tape or whatever it was but Serena convinces her not to. Mmkay.

Everyone’s at Asher’s drinking champagne and wearing lots of madras print. Blair shows up looking fiieerceee in this sparkly black and silver dress and she’s totally crashing.

Get it, gurl. All the socialites are asking Jenny how the de-virginizing went. And the Eric rolls up and confronts Asher all, “Are you gonna tell her, or am I?” and Eric reveals that they are total secret lovers. Asher’s all, “Get this faggot out of here!” and I can’t believe you can say “faggot” on the CW. Blair ain’t having that because Eric is Serena’s younger brother and she won’t watch him be bullied like that she she opens up Asher’s phone and forwards all his e-mails to Gossip Girl before handing it back to him. BUSTED!

Gossip Girl updates us that little Jenny didn’t spread her thighs, just LIES! All the socialites confront Jenny and are so disgusted that she DIDN’T lose her virginity on the real and that she lied about it. They dump her and are now on Blair’s side once again. Who cares? WHERE’S CHUCK?

Jenny later goes over to Blair’s mansion to tell her that “it’s over” and that Blair has won the battle of popularity. Jenny seems to be finally defeated and she runs home, apologizes to Rufus and cries into his flannel shirt.

Back at the coffee shop, Dan is still stoked about “Sarah” – WTF, Dan? Wouldn’t your cynical brain have caught onto this by now? Sarah’s not even cool anyway. Serena is too chickenshit to tell Dan who “Sarah” really is. As Dan and Vanessa stroll away, Serena catches Georgina/Sarah and is like, “Why are you blackmailing me?” and Georgina threatens that she knows things. What things? Who Mr. and Mrs. Shephard are?? Do tell!

Serena bolts over to Blair’s and it’s late and Blair is in some black negligee and Serena is huffing and puffing and making crying, cringing faces. Blair’s like “Whowhat?” and Serena stammers for about fifteen minutes that she can’t tell her; she can’t tell anybody. And Blair assures her that she can tell her anything and finally, Serena pulls her face together and drops the bomb: “I killed someone.”

Next week: Serena’s downfall! It’s about damn time. Oh, an this post is dedicated to the absence of Chuck Bass…