05.19.08

The Hills: The Next Move is Yours (the finale)

Posted in TV tagged , , , , , , at 10:50 pm by sitandcouch

 

Previously. Heidi and Spencer split and she booked it to Vegas. Lauren felt Audrina slipping away. 

Somewhere in Hollywood. Audrina and JustinBobby are looking at lofts. How does she afford this shit with her Epic Records receptionist salary? I mean, did she make any cash off those nudie pics? JB is wearing his glasses hanging off his ears and totally talking her into living alone by saying, “It’s a beautiful thing, living on your own ’cause you’ll always know where you’re at” - no seriously, that’s a quote.  Audrina says it’d be fun to decorate. She’s staring at the blank page before her just like Natasha B.

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05.13.08

Gossip Girl: A Woman on the Verge

Posted in TV tagged , , , , , , , , at 3:26 pm by sitandcouch

Previously. Lily’s marrying Chuck’s dad, Bart, and Rufus is all bent out of shape about it. Vanessa and Nate smooched. Georgina is still here. Oh, and Serena killed someone. Let’s light this candle.

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05.09.08

The Hills: No Place Like Home

Posted in TV tagged , , , , , , , , at 12:57 am by sitandcouch

Previously: Lauren, Audrina, and Lo got a house. Heidi wanted her space.

Bolthouse. Heidi enters Brent’s office to chat wearing a scarf plus tank top. You can totally see her black bra under her racer-back tank top but hey, cool. Yeah fucking right. Are we supposed to believe she still “works”? She announces that she wants to be a bigger part of the company especially if that means relocating! Brent’s got just the opportunity - a new club location and/or a casino in Vegas. Heidi says “sounds brilliant” - what is she, British? You know who is British? Natasha Bedingfield…release your inhibitions and lead us into another episode, lassie!!

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05.06.08

Gossip Girl: All About My Brother

Posted in TV tagged , , , , , , , , at 2:47 pm by sitandcouch

Previously: Jenny met Asher, the rich dog owner. Eric van der Woodsen tried to kill himself a million years ago. Serena’s ex-BFF, Georgina, came to town and fucked everything up. Then she introduced herself to Dan as “Sarah” - freak.

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04.29.08

The Hills: A Date With The Past

Posted in TV tagged , , , , , at 10:17 pm by sitandcouch

Previously: Justin Bobby is back on the scene and Audrina’s been seen doing her own thing. Lauren and Lo decided to get a house and they guess they’ll let Audrina in on it.

Lauren, Audrina, and Lo are checking out a “real house” that they’ve apparently already purchased. They wander around cooing and saying “soooo pretty”. This place even has a guest house for Audrina to bring her stinky men so that Lauren doesn’t have to look at them and be jealous of their love. They instantly declare it an “amazing party house!” Oh, and Audrina looks like a weirdo in a turtleneck and black suit while the other chicks are in tank tops. Cool.

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Gossip Girl: Desperately Seeking Serena

Posted in TV tagged , , , , , , , , , at 2:42 pm by sitandcouch

Previously: Serena was getting a bunch of nonsense sent to her like porno, champagne, and drugs. A forever-ago scene of Blair and Nate calling it quits. And Blair vows to ruin Jenny’s rep 4eva.

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04.23.08

The Hills: A New Roommate

Posted in TV tagged , , , , , , , , at 2:09 am by sitandcouch

Previously. Heidi and Spencer can’t handle each other but she’s finding comfort in a rekindling with Audrina. Lauren was hired at People’s Revolution. Why didn’t they show her getting fired resignation from Teen Vogue?

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04.22.08

Gossip Girl: The Blair Bitch Project

Posted in TV tagged , , , , , , at 2:32 pm by sitandcouch

This shit is BACK, y’all! I could hardly contain my excitement all day. Since this is the first time I’m recapping Gossip Girl here, I’ll fill you in on my pre-existing feelings. All you need to know is that nine times out of ten, I hate Dan and Serena because Dan is the poor man’s Seth Cohen, who I kind of hated too, in that the writers are giving him too many Brooklyn/quasi-Jewish/neurotic qualities that are only endearing for a few episodes. They need to reel him back in. Plus, he’s boring and so is Serena when she’s with him.

 

Also, I was just discussing with my friend yesterday how I hope the writers don’t soften Chuck’s character. Sure, he attempted to rape two girls in the pilot episode but now he’s hot and everyone is rooting for him and Blair to be together. Hey, I’m rooting for it too but I don’t want it to be easy. Keep Chuck the asshole that he is!

 

Previously – months ago on the last new episode of Gossip Girl –

  • Blair was positively ruined when Chuck let the whole school know they had been doin’ it.
  • Poor Jenny Humphrey became the new Queen B
  • Chuck’s dad, Bart Bass, proposed to Serena’s mom, Lily van der Woodsen, much to Dan’s dad’s disappointment.
  • Chuck can’t wait to let the incest begin!

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04.16.08

The Hills: Girls Night Out

Posted in TV tagged , , , , , at 1:58 am by sitandcouch

Previously. Whitney rocks at her job and Lauren made Audrina swear she’d never look at another girl again.

Epic Records. Heidi shows up to Audrina’s job to have some lunch. She’s wearing the most heinous, impractical purple velvet heels. Okay, not totally heinous but they make her feet look like boats since she’s wearing leggings and her legs are twigs. They’re eating in some makeshift cafeteria and Heidi is like, “Why aren’t we friends?? Everything is Lauren’s fault! I need a girls’ night!” Heidi invites Audrina for a night out on the town and Audrina makes her dead-eye face, so who knows?

People’s Revolution. They’re apparently having a casting call because a bunch of models are milling about. Lauren shows up - she must be there to help out. Kelly Cutrone marches in, tells some girl she looks “cute” in her lingerie and makes her way over to Lauren and Whitney. Kelly remembers the time she met Lauren in that other episode and is all, “Wanna help me cast? Let’s do this.” Kelly uses “Polaroid” as a verb - “can you Polaroid these girls?” Cool.

Kelly’s like freaking out, telling Lauren and Whitney that they’re so slow taping Polaroids to the wall. Fashion waits for no one! That Big Mouth chick who eff’d up last week is back - Jessica. Kelly apparently hates her because she made Jessica give up her desk for L & W and when Jessica tries to steal Lauren to do some crap work, Kelly dismisses Jessica and is all, “No, you can do that.” Tension! Hey! I see in the background that dude who wears lipgloss who’s a choreographer on that Pussycat Dolls: Girlicious show. What gives?

Stephanie’s Apartment. Spencer’s hanging out, making a sandwich. Steph waltzes in with her curled bangs so you know she must be ready to party. She informs her bro that she’s heading out AND lets him know where she’s going AND that Heidi will be there too. Hey man, this won’t lead to confrontation or drama, will it?! Spencer has his blond Santa Claus beard so something’s definitely up.

People’s Revolution. Lauren is falling all over herself about Whitney’s job and all the good times she’s having sorting clothes for Fashion Week. She’s making it pretty obvs that she’d bag Teen Vogue in a heartbeat if she could score a gig at PR. Kelly Cuthroat comes over and tells Lauren she’ll be working actual Fashion Week runway shows and repeats her business M.O. of all black and no boobies! Sign me up! Lauren is amped to be weaseling her way into the industry completely on her own merit and not at all because she’s on television.

S Bar. All the girls - Heidi, Steph, Audrina, and Audrina’s co-worker Chiara are hanging out all like, “YAY! Look how single we are!” And Heidi’s batteries are about to short out. Who’s this? Who comes cruising up the sidewalk? Spencer! And his “friend” Kevin who was probably hired by MTV. Spencer ain’t go no friends, let alone one named Kevin. This is so fucking douchey. I’m getting irked out just watching this like it’s my own ex-boyfriend at the same bar as me. Spencer is looking around the club aimlessly, chewing gum. I think he shaved! Watch out, laydeez! Stephanie is like, “OMG! Look who’s here!” As if she didn’t spill the beans to Spencer in the first place to let him know where they’d be.

We see Spencer across the bar, asking a chick how old she is. Is that normal? Heidi’s like, “Aw hey-ll no, you guys!!” She claims she’ll fucking cut a bitch who tries to get on Spencer. Are you serious? Spencer buys shots for this random chick and they make chit-chat about sipping a shot (?) versus taking it all at once (Hm). Heidi starts fuming — literally, her face is smoking and her hair starts giving off sparks — and is like, “SHOTS?! SHOTS?! SHOTS?! (seriously, she says it three times) They’re doing shots?!” She’s really pissed about the shots. It must have been one of her and Spencer’s past times. As she attempts to exit, Spencer comes over to her. They end up fighting in some back hallway and Heidi’s like, “I’m glad you’re having fun being sooo single!” and Spencer is like, “I’m not doing anything!” And they’re so smug and weird and totally about to get it on.

Lauren’s Apartment. The next morning, Lauren appears in Audrina’s room and questions her about her night last night, jealous boyfriend-style. She’s like, “Where’d you go last night? Who were you with?” Lauren needs to wax her upper lip and she can’t handle that this convo is not about her so she makes it about her. She thinks Heidi is just trying to use Audrina to piss Lauren off. Audrina just stares at her.

Fashion Week. Kelly Cutrone is showing Lauren and Whitney how to herd the models backstage in rehearsals and everyone’s like blippity blop and flitting around. I just have to point out that Kelly’s not wearing all black and Lauren and Whitney’s boobies are kinda showing.

Bolthouse. Ha! Fake work. Heidi and Kimberly are pretending like they’re arranging the layout of an event for two seconds before Kimberly conveniently asks, “What’s wrong?” Heidi claims she had the “worst night of her life” last night. Really? What about that night you took a pregnancy test and faked that you might be pregnant just to see how your boyfriend would react? What about that time you made a music video? Anyway, Heidi asks how you can love and hate someone so much at the same time. That’s how I feel about this show. Later, she calls up Spencer and acts all pathetic and tells him to come to Bolthouse so they can talk.

Fashion Week. More model herding. I guess we’re supposed to be amazed that they’re getting models to walk down a catwalk one at a time. Geniuses!

Bolthouse. Spencer shows up and Heidi ducks into his car. LOL. I love this entire exchange. Heidi is all, “if you wanna be single, just tell me!” and Spencer is like, “Um, you forced me to be single when you told me to move out!” Apparently, Heidi expressed that she wanted space and a “relationship vacation” and Spencer is all, “Yeah, that’s called breaking up.” Oh, Spence. You surprise me sometimes when you’re like, normal. Heidi says she doesn’t want to break up and doesn’t want Spencer flirting with other chicks, but she wants her space and doesn’t want to be around him. Nice. Spencer tells her that he doesn’t think he can wait around until Heidi decides she’s done with her relationship vacay. So Heidi gets out tha car.

Fashion Week. The fashion show’s over and Kelly is so pleased with Lauren and Whitney’s performance but says nothing to her other employees who are standing right there. She tells Lauren that she “went from slo-mo to fashion glow.” WTF? Like totally geek to totally chic? Kelly immediately offers Lauren a job at People’s Revolution and says they’re looking to make some changes in the LA office. Cut to Jessica’s big ass mouth. Will she get the boot because of Lauren’s amazing skills?? Lauren and Whitney scamper off to success. Side note: Didn’t Lauren Conrad have an actual collection shown in LA Fashion Week? Like.. in “real life”? I find it hard to believe that she’s wearing a headset and directing models like a production assistant when she’s totally already designed her own shit and is showing it at Fashion Week. Whatever.

Next week. Justin Bobby’s back! Say it ain’t so. Imma cook a veggie burger and light a clove just for him. Peace.

04.09.08

The Hills: Just Be Careful

Posted in TV tagged , , , , , , , at 3:10 pm by sitandcouch

Previously (thirty seconds ago…). Whitney got a job selling her soul to the devil but it looks like she essentially does the same crap she did at Teen Vogue. Everybody hates Stephanie (except for Lauren), everybody hates Spencer, and everybody hates Heidi. Feel the rain on your skin!

People’s Revolution. A bunch of dirty looking white people are gathering together for a meeting with Kelly Cutrone. Are they back in LA? I can’t figure out where Kelly Cutrone is based since she said the only office of theirs that really matters is the one in NYC. Anyway, it’s LA Fashion Week which means absolutely nothing because Los Angeles fashion is disgusting but Kelly Cutrone wants people to reccanize. She lets her staff know that this is some no-nonsense shit and there’s no concept of 9-to-5 any longer and everyone can expect to stay at work until 11 or later. She reminds the gang to wear all black as if they work at a hair salon, “no boobs” — I don’t know if that means she doesn’t want to see your boobs in case you were planning to go that route at work but whatevs — no rolling your eyes, etc. The usual.  Some chick next to Whitney witha large mouth is questioned about what the celeb status is and Large Mouth warbles about how she hasn’t gotten it done yet and Kelly Cutrone stands up and flips the table over and is like, “Are you kidding me?!?!” and then slaps her across the face. Not really, but she might as well have. Whitney pipes up and suggests some shit about Robin Antin - who the hell is that? I don’t know but it pleases Kelly Cutrone and Whitney saves the world from a fashion catastrophe.

Teen Vogue. Lauren is all alone in her closet, pining for Whitney and she can’t go two seconds without talking to her so she gives her a ring. Whitney’s like, “Who? What? I got a real job now, clown.”

Stephanie’s Apartment. Stephanie has really nasty, curled-under bangs again. Like, on purpose? I don’t get it. She and Heidi decide they need a girls night and get ready to hit da clubz.

Da Club.  Heidi is blabbering on and on about how much a floozie she used to be in her clubbing days before Spencer douche-ified her. Heidi’s realizing she needs her girl-time back and wants to know what it’s like to have real friends. OH NO! Audrina is @ da club with some non-Hills friends. What is this?!!? I need titles and the like to explain who everyone is. More white people. I see Chiara from Epic Records so it must be a work thing.

LOL @ Heidi saying there have been times where she has cried and felt “so alone”. This is shit, man. Heidi was the one who peaced out on everyone and now that her face is falling off, she decides she needs female friends? Funk dat. She sidles up to Audrina and lets her know that she wouldn’t mind being BFFs again and reminds her that she  was friends with Audrina before Lauren was. Oh snap! Audrina says, “You have to learn how to keep your friends while you’re dating some one.” Preach, sista. I <3 u Audrina and don’t you worry about everyone seeing your boobs on the internet or the fact that you have no upper lip. You’re a survivor. Anyway, Heidi feels dumb and Audrina’s pretty much like, “Lick it up baby…”

Some Furniture Store. Heidi’s shopping for furnishings for “her” apartment now that Spencer has hit the bricks.  She suggests — OMG STEPH’S BANGS are off the charts, y’all — going back to Hillside Villas to get some of her leftover stuff that she had left at Lauren’s back in their roommate days. Good idea!

The Gym. Lauren and Whitney are stretching and look exactly alike. It’s totally weird. Double weird is that they’re referencing “the first time” Lauren had a run-in with Kelly Cutrone on a previous episode of The Hills which is so like.. breaking the fourth wall to be like, “Remember the episode where I met Kelly Cutrone in season one?” Freakish. Anyway, Whitney tells Lauren that she should stop by People’s Revolution and check out her new gig.

FIDM. Lauren and Stephanie Pratt are in class. Are they still trying to convince us that these chicks go to school for real? Do you think FIDM subsidizes Lauren’s tuition since they get a weekly shout-out?  Steph informs Lauren that she went out with Heidi to a club and saw Audrina and everybody chatted and Lauren cries for a minute that Audrina might be interested in seeing other people.

Lauren’s Apartment. Audrina gets home and Lauren’s like, “What were you doing cavorting with the likes of Heidi??” When you’re a Jet, you’re a Jet all the way. Audrina’s like “BTFO, it’s not like we did anything!”

People’s Revolution. Lauren shows up to Whitney’s job and immediately, Whitney’s like, “No time for lunch” and puts Lauren to work. They’re sorting clothes and it’s very high fashion and Whitney types, “Grey Tee” into a database and I marvel at her skills. Some other boss (not Kelly) shows up and for a minute, I think W’s totally busted for having a friend at work but the boss just tells Lauren that she’s welcome to come work at fashion week and help out.

Lauren’s Apartment. Audrina is wearing a scarf inside and opens the door to Heidi. She’s there to get her mirror but really just wants to make nice with Audrina. Her face is fucking grimy from all the bronzer and they stare at each other for a good six minutes and then finally, Heidi takes her crap and leaves. Later, Lauren comes home and the place reeks of silicone and desperation so you know Montag stunk up the joint. Audrina’s like, “Heidi was here!” and Lauren’s face turns green and she bursts out of her leggings and can’t believe she let Heidi set foot in their abode. Audrina says it was no biggie but Lauren knows that something stinks in suburbia.

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